What you shouldn't miss next year at the theaters (why? I'll get to that later...)
Jan. 11: The Green Hornet
Mar. 4: Rango; The Adjustment Bureau
Mar. 11: Mars Needs Moms
Mar. 25: Sucker Punch
May 6: Thor
May 20: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
May 26: The Hangover Part II
Jun. 3: X-Men: First Class
Jun. 10: Super 8
Jun. 17: Green Lantern
Jun. 24: Cars 2; Caesar: Rise of the Apes
Jul. 1: Larry Crowne
Jul. 15: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Jul. 22: Captain America: The First Avenger
Jul. 29: Cowboys & Aliens
Aug. 19: Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World
Sep. 23: Moneyball
Oct. 14: The Thing
Oct. 21: Contagion
Nov. 4: Puss in Boots
Dec. 9: Hugo Cabaret
Dec. 16: Sherlock Holmes 2; Mission: Impossible--Ghost Protocol
Dec. 21: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Dec. 23: We Bought a Zoo; The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn
Dec. 25: The Muppets
Dec. 28: War Horse
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Best TV of 2010: Like Inedible Comfort Food with Wires and Stuff
We all know the drill by now. 10 of the best dramas of the year, 10 of the best comedies of the year, and a list of almost-made-its and also-rans.
Let's dive. But be cautious. Thar be spoilers ahead, maties!
DRAMA
1. Lost
The final season revealed that John Locke was still dead, with the Smoke Monster (also known as Jacob's nameless brother) assuming his form permanently. We learned that detonating a nuclear warhead at the base of a silo holding together an awesome amount of electromagnetic energy simply transports you from 1977 to 2008. We learned that some of the more well-featured lostaways are actually candidates to protect a light source at the center of the Island, and each were assigned Hurley's supposed "cursed" numbers as they correspond to the direction of a supernatural telescope at the apex of a lighthouse that you cannot see unless you're looking for it. We learned that the flash-sideways world, in which Oceanic Flight 815 didn't crash and most of the series' villains or minor characters appeared as polar opposites of themselves was actually a form of purgatory where Desmond could enter through his being a "loophole" of "the rules" and remind everyone that they all needed each other in order to cross over into the other side. The season wasn't perfect ("Ab Aeterno," which finally provided Richard's flashback; and "Across the Sea," which showed Jacob and No-Name as precocious tykes were more of the "how things happened" category instead of the satisfying "why things happened"), and most people were pissed off about the resolution to the sideways world (some decrying it as a rip-off of The Sixth Sense, some just labeling it retarded), but to me it was the most exciting television event of the year. Every time someone from the past popped up in a different position (Miles Straume as James Ford's partner in the L.A.P.D. was especially fun, mostly because he called him "Jim," just as he did when he was LaFleur's underling in the DHARMA Initiative), I couldn't have been more pleased. It's tough ending a mythology-based show; hell, it's tough ending any kind of show, and Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse deserve a whole shitload of credit for giving the entire series an emotional consistency if not a mythological consistency. I still believe that UnLocke was misunderstood, I still want to know how Libby ended up in the mental institution, and I still want to know what the hell Charles Widmore's ultimate plan was, but in a way that's good. I can imagine as much as I want. You can call it cheating on the part of the showrunners, but leaving certain things mysterious has its value, and I would know. I've been chasing it for six years. The final moments of the show proved what the show was all about. DHARMA didn't matter. The Button didn't matter. The Jughead didn't matter. The Constant didn't matter. Lost was about a group of strangers who were lost in their daily lives and they were found when they managed (or struggled) to live together or die alone. They created purgatory as a way to remove the baggage they had before the crash and, upon transcending their past, realizing that the only way for them to find their way in life was with each other, even if this realization was made after the end of life. I'm a cynical killjoy atheist and, as a man with a pathological fear of death, the last five minutes of the series both overjoyed and terrified me, but I felt that they all deserved to move on to another plane (pun not intended). It doesn't matter if it was the ending that was planned from the beginning. It was the ending that, after six seasons of reflection, was needed.
2. Mad Men
How do you beat Season Three? The answer is simple when you're Matthew Weiner: make Season Four. Making the brilliant Jared Harris a regular was a masterstroke, as was upping the episode order for the criminally underrated and bound-to-be-huge Kiernan Shipka (was there any scene in 2010 more unnerving than Sally Draper's little masturbation moment?). Throwing the characters through time at the speed of light was brilliant, as we got a taste of every cultural landmark from the Playboy Club to "Satisfaction" to Disneyland's greatest and most neglected asset, Tomorrowland. My only complaint? The emotionally underwhelming finale. But after twelve episodes of pure genius (John Slattery's first episode as director was possibly the funniest hour of the year), such flaws can be overlooked.
3. Breaking Bad
Throughout Breaking Bad's third season, AMC aired adverts of Jon Hamm praising Bad, talking about how it's essentially a story about a good man on the way to becoming a very, very bad man. If you were watching the season with open eyes, this piece of information is redundant. After letting Jane choke on her own vomit in Season Two and, this season, driving Jesse back into the drug business, it's clear that Walter White is a Tony Soprano on the brink. His casual vehicular manslaughter and brutal murder of another thug at the season's end did nothing if not show the depths to which showrunner Vince Gilligan is willing to go. It's certainly deep water, and inviting the brilliant Bob Odenkirk, Jonathan Banks and Giancarlo Esposito as morally-ambiguous series regulars didn't hurt. Plus, you have to give a writer credit when a line regarding the charred remains of half of a human body attached to a burning airline seat landing in someone's rose garden makes you snort Coke out of your nose. Just me? Probably.
4. In Treatment
Yes, it's two hours of dialogue every week. Yes, each episode pretty much involves only two people occupying the same room. But as someone who has attended therapy sessions off and on for years on end, let me tell you that they get no detail wrong. If I knew much less about the writing staff, I would swear that every one of them were dedicated psychotherapists. This season also breached my interest level in ways I couldn't imagine. Seasons One and Two were brilliant, but they each had one patient too many. By racheting it down to four patients (including my future wife Amy Ryan as Paul's new love interest-cum-pregnant shrink), the writers could focus more on nuance and personal crises, especially now that they had no Israeli episodes to adapt. I look forward to a fourth season, even if the closing minutes of Three lead me to believe that the fat lady sang.
5. Dollhouse
What? A Joss Whedon show on my Top 10? That's absurd. Who would support the most brilliant writer since that bum Bill Shakespeare? Certainly not I. It's not like I relished every moment of this brilliant-but-canceled program's second season, especially when it went to the future and Los Angeles went batshit. But there was also much more to love. Whether it was Amy Acker's sexual frustration or Sierra's somber dismembering of her former keeper, the season did very little wrong. I'm still nursing a grudge over last year's American Idol episode, but I'll let that slide. But my favorite part? Summer Glau essentially playing Kenneth Mars's character in Young Frankenstein, only without the accent and the dartboard.
6. Damages
Tom is dead. We know this by the end of the first episode, much like this stellar program's first season (that corpse, however, belonged to Ellen's fiance), but, like that season, the questions are numerous. Why? How? When? By whom? Pile on a very timely Ponzi scheme from a Bernie Madoff-like douchebag and Martin Short putting on the performance of a lifetime and you have a twisting, turning thriller of a season that manages to fulfil the series' main agenda and focus more on character than the still brilliant second season, which was certainly plot heavy to a severe degree. And by the way, in case you were wondering? Here are the answers: A) Because he lost his money. B) When Campbell Scott drowned him in a toilet. C) At the end of the season (dummy!). D) I already adressed that. Bring on Season Four, even if I have to subscribe to fucking DirecTV to see it.
7. Justified
Isn't it strange that it took the TV bigwigs (much like the seven Jewish bankers that control the world's money supply in the earth's core) until 2010 to give Timothy Olyphant his own show? The man commands charisma, and when the words of Elmore Leonard and writers aping his style spill out of his mouth, he's fucking hilarious and badass to boot. Add some wishy-washy Neo-Nazi's with rocket launchers, psychotic dentists and ex-girlfriends with terrible taste in character and you have a hell of a time enforcing the law in Kentucky. Season Two starts tomorrow, with the brilliant Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday lives!) as the main villain, and I can't wait. With this and Lights Out, FX is still the basic cable station to beat.
8. The Walking Dead
Aside from The Majestic, Frank Darabont can do no wrong. He's apparently a prince of a guy, so when he fired all his writers from the first season of this remarkable program, I knew with utter certainty that the goods were still in the best possible hands. Whether it was the ultra-ballsy pilot (in which a pre-pubescent zombie girl takes one in the melon at point blank) or the fascinating finale (which features the best, most realistic explosion in basic cable history), this show was seven episodes of genius. Like the chairperson of AMC, I too hope this show lasts ten years. That'll show all the haters. Fuckin' chumps.
9. Fringe
Somehow, Akiva Goldsman (one of the most notoriously shitty screenplay authors of all time) managed to make this show watchable by writing and directing more episodes than even J.J. Abrams or showrunners Jeff Pinkner and J.H. Wyman. We finally got to see a lot more of Earth B, including the fact that they use zeppelins instead of planes, have regular flights to the moon, require I.D. "Show Me" cards to be carried at all times, they place Fringe Division higher than Homeland Security, the Statue of Liberty is black, Charlie Francis is alive and scarred, and that world's Walter, affectionately known as Walternate, has a real grudge against his Earth Prime doppelganger. There was a musical episode named after a particular favorite brand of marijuana that Walter loves to smoke (and then tell bedtime stories to Olivia's niece whilst high), there was an entire episode dedicated to the rogue Observer (September) and his seemingly alien race. There was a flashback to 1985 when Walter first crossed over to Earth B, which featured a hilarious and brilliant retro title sequence, the show became more and more serialized week to week, and the creators decided that every Earth B opening credits should be colored red. If The X-Files were any good, it would be Fringe.
10. Parenthood/Caprica
Parenthood manages to be both emotional and way too relatable. Caprica managed to be an epic tale of a future gone mad (and the final ten minutes of the series finale rank in the Top 10 moments of television history--it answers every question left over from Battlestar Galactica at breakneck speed). Unfortunately, only one survived (for now), but we have DVD. Let's just be grateful for that. Sure, it'll be years before Jane Espenson is allowed to run a major show again, but we still have memories, right? Right? Hello?
Let's dive. But be cautious. Thar be spoilers ahead, maties!
DRAMA
1. Lost
The final season revealed that John Locke was still dead, with the Smoke Monster (also known as Jacob's nameless brother) assuming his form permanently. We learned that detonating a nuclear warhead at the base of a silo holding together an awesome amount of electromagnetic energy simply transports you from 1977 to 2008. We learned that some of the more well-featured lostaways are actually candidates to protect a light source at the center of the Island, and each were assigned Hurley's supposed "cursed" numbers as they correspond to the direction of a supernatural telescope at the apex of a lighthouse that you cannot see unless you're looking for it. We learned that the flash-sideways world, in which Oceanic Flight 815 didn't crash and most of the series' villains or minor characters appeared as polar opposites of themselves was actually a form of purgatory where Desmond could enter through his being a "loophole" of "the rules" and remind everyone that they all needed each other in order to cross over into the other side. The season wasn't perfect ("Ab Aeterno," which finally provided Richard's flashback; and "Across the Sea," which showed Jacob and No-Name as precocious tykes were more of the "how things happened" category instead of the satisfying "why things happened"), and most people were pissed off about the resolution to the sideways world (some decrying it as a rip-off of The Sixth Sense, some just labeling it retarded), but to me it was the most exciting television event of the year. Every time someone from the past popped up in a different position (Miles Straume as James Ford's partner in the L.A.P.D. was especially fun, mostly because he called him "Jim," just as he did when he was LaFleur's underling in the DHARMA Initiative), I couldn't have been more pleased. It's tough ending a mythology-based show; hell, it's tough ending any kind of show, and Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse deserve a whole shitload of credit for giving the entire series an emotional consistency if not a mythological consistency. I still believe that UnLocke was misunderstood, I still want to know how Libby ended up in the mental institution, and I still want to know what the hell Charles Widmore's ultimate plan was, but in a way that's good. I can imagine as much as I want. You can call it cheating on the part of the showrunners, but leaving certain things mysterious has its value, and I would know. I've been chasing it for six years. The final moments of the show proved what the show was all about. DHARMA didn't matter. The Button didn't matter. The Jughead didn't matter. The Constant didn't matter. Lost was about a group of strangers who were lost in their daily lives and they were found when they managed (or struggled) to live together or die alone. They created purgatory as a way to remove the baggage they had before the crash and, upon transcending their past, realizing that the only way for them to find their way in life was with each other, even if this realization was made after the end of life. I'm a cynical killjoy atheist and, as a man with a pathological fear of death, the last five minutes of the series both overjoyed and terrified me, but I felt that they all deserved to move on to another plane (pun not intended). It doesn't matter if it was the ending that was planned from the beginning. It was the ending that, after six seasons of reflection, was needed.
2. Mad Men
How do you beat Season Three? The answer is simple when you're Matthew Weiner: make Season Four. Making the brilliant Jared Harris a regular was a masterstroke, as was upping the episode order for the criminally underrated and bound-to-be-huge Kiernan Shipka (was there any scene in 2010 more unnerving than Sally Draper's little masturbation moment?). Throwing the characters through time at the speed of light was brilliant, as we got a taste of every cultural landmark from the Playboy Club to "Satisfaction" to Disneyland's greatest and most neglected asset, Tomorrowland. My only complaint? The emotionally underwhelming finale. But after twelve episodes of pure genius (John Slattery's first episode as director was possibly the funniest hour of the year), such flaws can be overlooked.
3. Breaking Bad
Throughout Breaking Bad's third season, AMC aired adverts of Jon Hamm praising Bad, talking about how it's essentially a story about a good man on the way to becoming a very, very bad man. If you were watching the season with open eyes, this piece of information is redundant. After letting Jane choke on her own vomit in Season Two and, this season, driving Jesse back into the drug business, it's clear that Walter White is a Tony Soprano on the brink. His casual vehicular manslaughter and brutal murder of another thug at the season's end did nothing if not show the depths to which showrunner Vince Gilligan is willing to go. It's certainly deep water, and inviting the brilliant Bob Odenkirk, Jonathan Banks and Giancarlo Esposito as morally-ambiguous series regulars didn't hurt. Plus, you have to give a writer credit when a line regarding the charred remains of half of a human body attached to a burning airline seat landing in someone's rose garden makes you snort Coke out of your nose. Just me? Probably.
4. In Treatment
Yes, it's two hours of dialogue every week. Yes, each episode pretty much involves only two people occupying the same room. But as someone who has attended therapy sessions off and on for years on end, let me tell you that they get no detail wrong. If I knew much less about the writing staff, I would swear that every one of them were dedicated psychotherapists. This season also breached my interest level in ways I couldn't imagine. Seasons One and Two were brilliant, but they each had one patient too many. By racheting it down to four patients (including my future wife Amy Ryan as Paul's new love interest-cum-pregnant shrink), the writers could focus more on nuance and personal crises, especially now that they had no Israeli episodes to adapt. I look forward to a fourth season, even if the closing minutes of Three lead me to believe that the fat lady sang.
5. Dollhouse
What? A Joss Whedon show on my Top 10? That's absurd. Who would support the most brilliant writer since that bum Bill Shakespeare? Certainly not I. It's not like I relished every moment of this brilliant-but-canceled program's second season, especially when it went to the future and Los Angeles went batshit. But there was also much more to love. Whether it was Amy Acker's sexual frustration or Sierra's somber dismembering of her former keeper, the season did very little wrong. I'm still nursing a grudge over last year's American Idol episode, but I'll let that slide. But my favorite part? Summer Glau essentially playing Kenneth Mars's character in Young Frankenstein, only without the accent and the dartboard.
6. Damages
Tom is dead. We know this by the end of the first episode, much like this stellar program's first season (that corpse, however, belonged to Ellen's fiance), but, like that season, the questions are numerous. Why? How? When? By whom? Pile on a very timely Ponzi scheme from a Bernie Madoff-like douchebag and Martin Short putting on the performance of a lifetime and you have a twisting, turning thriller of a season that manages to fulfil the series' main agenda and focus more on character than the still brilliant second season, which was certainly plot heavy to a severe degree. And by the way, in case you were wondering? Here are the answers: A) Because he lost his money. B) When Campbell Scott drowned him in a toilet. C) At the end of the season (dummy!). D) I already adressed that. Bring on Season Four, even if I have to subscribe to fucking DirecTV to see it.
7. Justified
Isn't it strange that it took the TV bigwigs (much like the seven Jewish bankers that control the world's money supply in the earth's core) until 2010 to give Timothy Olyphant his own show? The man commands charisma, and when the words of Elmore Leonard and writers aping his style spill out of his mouth, he's fucking hilarious and badass to boot. Add some wishy-washy Neo-Nazi's with rocket launchers, psychotic dentists and ex-girlfriends with terrible taste in character and you have a hell of a time enforcing the law in Kentucky. Season Two starts tomorrow, with the brilliant Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday lives!) as the main villain, and I can't wait. With this and Lights Out, FX is still the basic cable station to beat.
8. The Walking Dead
Aside from The Majestic, Frank Darabont can do no wrong. He's apparently a prince of a guy, so when he fired all his writers from the first season of this remarkable program, I knew with utter certainty that the goods were still in the best possible hands. Whether it was the ultra-ballsy pilot (in which a pre-pubescent zombie girl takes one in the melon at point blank) or the fascinating finale (which features the best, most realistic explosion in basic cable history), this show was seven episodes of genius. Like the chairperson of AMC, I too hope this show lasts ten years. That'll show all the haters. Fuckin' chumps.
9. Fringe
Somehow, Akiva Goldsman (one of the most notoriously shitty screenplay authors of all time) managed to make this show watchable by writing and directing more episodes than even J.J. Abrams or showrunners Jeff Pinkner and J.H. Wyman. We finally got to see a lot more of Earth B, including the fact that they use zeppelins instead of planes, have regular flights to the moon, require I.D. "Show Me" cards to be carried at all times, they place Fringe Division higher than Homeland Security, the Statue of Liberty is black, Charlie Francis is alive and scarred, and that world's Walter, affectionately known as Walternate, has a real grudge against his Earth Prime doppelganger. There was a musical episode named after a particular favorite brand of marijuana that Walter loves to smoke (and then tell bedtime stories to Olivia's niece whilst high), there was an entire episode dedicated to the rogue Observer (September) and his seemingly alien race. There was a flashback to 1985 when Walter first crossed over to Earth B, which featured a hilarious and brilliant retro title sequence, the show became more and more serialized week to week, and the creators decided that every Earth B opening credits should be colored red. If The X-Files were any good, it would be Fringe.
10. Parenthood/Caprica
Parenthood manages to be both emotional and way too relatable. Caprica managed to be an epic tale of a future gone mad (and the final ten minutes of the series finale rank in the Top 10 moments of television history--it answers every question left over from Battlestar Galactica at breakneck speed). Unfortunately, only one survived (for now), but we have DVD. Let's just be grateful for that. Sure, it'll be years before Jane Espenson is allowed to run a major show again, but we still have memories, right? Right? Hello?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Fuck You, Emmys! Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Emmys
If this starts to read like Crystal's already perfect take on the 2010 Emmy Awards, then go read that instead, 'cause it's only downhill from here. Plus, I stole the basic overlay from her. Alright, Ryan, breathe. You've done this before. Not particularly well, but you did it. Here we go...
Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad
Dexter
The Good Wife
Lost
Mad Men
True Blood
Okay, Mad Men won for the third year in a row. That was entirely expected, almost like predicting that the old guys in the balcony seats on The Muppet Show will say something savagely witty and inappropriate. I personally believe that once you win an award, that's it. None more awarding. But since Mad Men had its best season (until this season, but saying that about Mad Men gets more redundant every week), it's okay. I vastly prefer Breaking Bad, simply because it allows you to root for a man after he has run over a man and, seconds later, shot another point blank in the face without a single reservation. However, since Damages was not included (and neither was Justfied... so Emmy voters will nominate shit like The Good Wife and pass over FX? Shame on you, faceless masses!), I was rooting for Lost. It wasn't a perfect season (I agree with everyone who complained about Richard Alpert's flashback and almost everything about "Across the Sea," but I will defend the flash-sideways universe until I die), but the finale made me cry. Seriously. That's enough for me. Sure, it's not hard to make me cry. Insulting my mother is one way, calling me a "doody-face" is another. But I was so moved that for weeks afterward I could do nothing but get venomous against anyone who besmirched all two-and-a-half hours of it. Also, True Blood? Seriously? I'm fucking addicted to it, but that doesn't make it good, just TV crack without the teeth rotting. Just ask a meth-head to justify their behavior and you'll see what I mean.
Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Glee
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie
The Office
First of all, Weeds had its best season last year, Community was totally robbed, and Parks and Recreation is my favorite comedy since Season Two of The Office, but we work with what we have. So, why did Modern Family win? Honestly, it's a wonderful show with much to love, but if we're discussing what the best thing is on a disappointing list, 30 Rock comes out in full force. Glee is there because 25% of America turned gay for thirteen weeks and then got gayer four months later. Nurse Jackie is there because... shit, I have no idea why Nurse Jackie was nominated. It's not unwatchable but not particularly stimulating either. Maybe the Academy just wanted to show their sensitivity for the "special" shows that cable networks renew just to be quirky. But this isn't the Humanitas Awards. The Office? Still a great show but far from its peak. I haven't seen Curb in three years, mainly because it was becoming HBO-stale, which, despite being better than ABC-stale, is just embarassing. In short, 30 Rock should have taken its fourth statue, but only because these nominees totally suck.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Bryan Cranston as "Walt White," Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall as "Dexter Morgan," Dexter
Kyle Chandler as "Eric Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Hugh Laurie as "Dr. Gregory House," House
Matthew Fox as "Jack Shephard," Lost
Jon Hamm as "Don Draper," Mad Men
I love Bryan Cranston, but c'mon! I don't know how Jon Hamm has convincingly done the "oh, I'm so proud of you I WISH I COULD BE YOU NO I DON'T YES I DO no, but honestly, you're fantastic" clap upon hearing Cranston's name for the past two years. He is so damn smooth as Don Draper that I wouldn't hesitate to fuck him. And understated somehow doesn't equal Emmy gold very often. Ask that bastard Tony Shalhoub (as someone with severe O.C.D., I have to say that I'm overjoyed at Monk's cancelation). Seriously, his monologue to Elisabeth Moss in the third act of "Shut the Door. Have a Seat" is one of the most electric and moving moments of television history, and the best part is that Hamm chose to play it as if the speech may have been complete bullshit if you analyze it to a certain degree. It was nice to see Kyle Chandler finally get rewarded for being half of the most realistic married couple since the development of the cathode-ray tube, but seeing Hugh Laurie after Cranston's name was announced was sad. He seemed to acknowledge that he deserves the award for six years of hard work, if not this particular year. And since the show has very little shelf life left, maybe we should sneak into Cranston's trailer next season and just Sharpee Hugh's name on it. Just for shits and giggles.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin as "Jack Donaghy," 30 Rock
Jim Parsons as "Sheldon Cooper," The Big Bang Theory
Larry David as "Himself," Curb Your Enthusiasm
Matthew Morrison as "Will Schuester," Glee
Tony Shalhoub as "Adrian Monk," Monk
Steve Carell as "Michael Scott," The Office
Can we say "hell yes"? Jim Parsons has made The Big Bang Theory evolve from a show with one great performance and Two and a Half Men-level writing to one of the most effortless ensembles on television with enough built-in charisma to make the dumbest nerd joke resonate. He anchors the show, so even when the other characters drift into cliche, Parsons manages to make his hilarious Asperger's twitches all the more fresh. Bazinga. Also, to echo Crystal: how the hell did Matthew Morrison get nominated? Did he do a live version of "The Thong Song" for all the more seedy Emmy voters? And, if you think I've done enough Glee bashing, prepare for some more. Of the Glee bashing.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Kyra Sedgwick as "Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson," The Closer
Glenn Close as "Patty Hewes," Damages
Connie Britton as "Tami Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies as "Alicia Florrick," The Good Wife
Mariska Hargitay as "Detective Olivia Benson," Law & Order: SVU
January Jones as "Betty Draper," Mad Men
I don't watch The Closer because I have better things to do whenever it's on, even if it's the only thing to watch on the face of the earth. I don't watch The Good Wife because I can tell between good and shit. I don't watch SVU because I like shows that don't reboot at the end of every episode. And then there was the woman they call January. She is absolutely flawless as Betty Draper (and not so great at everything else, as her SNL episode leads me to believe) that I'm sure she's so method that she's miserable every day of her entire life. That pent up frustration that could spontaneously light every cigarette she puffs throughout any episode is too damn good to be mere acting. This, of course, is why she lost to Kevin Bacon's wife. Emmy voters can't handle someone so real. Also, Connie Britton is the perfect mother (I would know, as I have one almost as good), but she had no chance in hell.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Tina Fey as "Liz Lemon," 30 Rock
Lea Michele as "Rachel Berry," Glee
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as "Christine Campbell," The New Adventures of Old Christine
Edie Falco as "Jackie Peyton," Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as "Leslie Knope," Parks and Recreation
Toni Collette as "Tara Gregson," United States of Tara
When Fallon enlisted Amy Poehler to help him introduce Comedy, all I could focus on were pregnancy boobs in a beautiful blue dress. And when those beautiful pregnancy boobs in that beautiful blue dress didn't ascend the stairs during this collection of nominees like God intended, I was upset. When Edie Falco's name was called, all I could think was "Wow. The Sopranos is still on? What is it, like Season Twelve by now?" Seriously, though, Leslie Knope was one of the greater comedic creations of 2009-2010, and the ever-versatile Poehler better have some trophy in her future. Even if it has to be a crummy Grammy. It's a shame that Mary-Louise Parker wasn't nominated for her "smoking and sushi" episode of Weeds alone, but hopefully the bigges, most expressive eyes in Hollywood will make a comeback next year. I honestly think that when they made that old Tootsie Pop commercial with the owl instructing some random kid how many licks it takes to get to the center, they based the owl's eyes on Parker's, then added glasses.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Aaron Paul as "Jesse Pinkman," Breaking Bad
Martin Short as "Leonard Winstone," Damages
Terry O'Quinn as "John Locke," Lost
Michael Emerson as "Ben Linus," Lost
John Slattery as "Roger Sterling," Mad Men
Andre Braugher as "Owen," Men of a Certain Age
Completely deserved. Last season. This year, I was rooting for Martin Short, who managed to make me forgive some of his more ultra-hyperactive and mug-worthy performances (Arrested Development comes to mind, as does his early-'80s post-SCTV period) by putting in a truly amazing menace in an already menace-filled season of Damages. Since this brilliant season didn't get nominated as a whole, it was at least kind enough of the Academy to include the season's best element with a possible grasp at an award. But back to Aaron Paul. His rehabilitated Jesse Pinkman for Season Three of Breaking Bad was so nuanced to the point that his attitude seemed practically tantric until the last third of the year, not that I'm complaining about subtlety. But his work on "ABQ," last season's finale, especially the scene in which the cleaners go through his apartment and leave him to explain his girlfriend's overdose to the police was too perfect. But of all the categories presented this year, this particular one has to be the one with an almost entire embarassment of riches. By having Terry O'Quinn play 'Ol Smokey (the ultimate "faceless" enemy on the Island itself) and quadriplegic John Locke simultaneously, no supporting actor got a better talent test this year. Emerson was also flawless as usual, especially when he decides to stay on the purgatory bench instead of joining his now-friends in the afterlife. John Slattery winning is about as blissful as a surprise phantom orgasm, which is why he (and every other actor from Mad Men) will never win dick. As for Andre Braugher, I'm a fan, and I appreciate that he put on twenty pounds for a fucking television show just for the sake of realism, but I didn't follow this performance past the pilot.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Chris Colfer as "Kurt Hummel," Glee
Neil Patrick Harris as "Barney Stinson," How I Met Your Mother
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as "Mitchell Pritchett," Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as "Cameron Tucker," Modern Family
Ty Burrell as "Phil Dunphy," Modern Family
Jon Cryer as "Alan Harper," Two and a Half Men
Yes, Virginia, there is no God, simply because Jon Cryer can win an Emmy over Neil Patrick Harris and then get nominated again the next year. Modern Family certainly has a wonderful ensemble cast, but the strongest member of that cast (Rico Rodriguez II) may be too young to be nominated at ten-years-old. And of all the nominated Family members (like what I did there? I'm so damn clever), my vote goes for Ty Burrell, who can sell the line "fix that step later" twenty-three episodes in a row without getting tired, and, also, for the ceremonies he dressed up like Pee-wee Herman. His being the film version of Doc Samson has nothing to do with my pick, I swear. And then there's Chris Colfer. I can deal with Glee for ten minutes at a time (it's either the occasional Auto-Tune is sickening or the endless "we're so edgy by sexualizing teenagers and making every adult a buffoon" walk cycle), but if the show was just Chris Colfer as Kurt and Mike O'Malley as his father without the extra cast trimmings (except Jane Lynch, who is a genius, and Jayma Mays and Lea Michele, who are hot), that would be appointment television.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Sharon Gless as "Madeline Westen," Burn Notice
Rose Byrne as "Ellen Parsons," Damages
Archie Panjabi as "Kalinda Sharma," The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as "Diane Lockhart," The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks as "Joan Harris," Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss as "Peggy Olson," Mad Men
What? Elisabeth Moss was passed over, despite being responsible for one of the most intriguing, layered, and unpredictable female roles in the history of television? Even though last season included the line "My name is Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana"? Hendricks was also superb last year, with her midseason breakdown and her brilliant, clipped delivery in the season finale (although in order to be transcendently superb, it requires superb writing beneath). Rose Byrne is a fine actress, although I grow restless if the two female leads spend too much screentime without any other chracters, but it also seems like her acceptance by the Academy is a pity nomination, as there aren't a shitload of decent characters for women in the television industry; never have been. They could have at least nominated Dexter's hot sister instead of someone from a CBS show that benefits only from not being as horrible as everything else on CBS.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski as "Jenna Maroney," 30 Rock
Jane Lynch as "Sue Sylvester," Glee
Julie Bowen as "Claire Dunphy," Modern Family
Sofia Vergara as "Gloria Delgado-Pritchett," Modern Family
Kristen Wiig as "Various Characters," Saturday Night Live
Holland Taylor as "Evelyn Harper," Two and a Half Men
Jane Lynch was nominated for an award? I don't care if she guest starred on The Closer. You give her that goddamn award and a doozy of a bearhug. Woman has deserved it since she stepped onscreen in Best in Show.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Friday Night Lights, "The Son," Written by Rolin Jones
The Good Wife, "Pilot," Written by Michelle King and Robert King
Lost, "The End," Written by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Written by Robin Veith and Matthew Weiner
Mad Men, "Shut the Door. Have a Seat." Written by Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy
Okay, I'm torn. Friday Night Lights gets a nomination for writing, which shows that people finally understand that even though the show boasts an ensemble that elevates some bad plot decisions (ding dong, Season Two murdered rapist ringing!), the writers are still in charge of moving the characters in the right direction. Other than that, it's a tie between "The End," which I've already praised indirectly, and "Shut the Door. Have a Seat.", which I praised directly. I'll give it to Mad Men, just because of the whole cork situation. If you know what I'm talking about and understand what I mean, "God" bless your little "soul."
Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "Anna Howard Shaw Day," Written by Matt Hubbard
30 Rock, "Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter," Written by Tina Fey and Kay Cannon
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Written by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan
Modern Family, "Pilot," Written by Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd
The Office, "Niagara," Written by Greg Daniels and Mindy Kaling
Well, when you have a category where Greg Garcia can win for the pilot of My Name Is Earl, you know for sure that you're in a class where quality is debatable, and those doing the debating are mentallly retarded. But Glee aside, this isn't a bad selection. Modern Family had many better episodes than the pilot (which didn't actually take off for me until the third act, in which we learn that all three families are connected), and I would have preferred "My Funky Valentine" (Edward Norton as the former bassist from Spandau Ballet was quite a treat, as it was the first re-teaming of Bruce Banner and Doc Samson--which, yet again, I swear was not a factor in my praise of Ty Burrell earlier). "Niagara" for me was more of a Best Directing episode (mostly everything from the wedding dance juxtaposed with the official Maid of the Mist nuptials), so I'll give Paul Feig more props than Daniels and Kaling. I guess that leaves 30 Rock by itself, simply because Weeds' "Where the Sidewalk Ends" was ignored.
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Breaking Bad, "One Minute," Directed by Michelle MacLaren
Dexter, "The Getaway," Directed by Steve Shill
Lost, "The End," Directed by Jack Bender
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter
Treme, "Do You Know What it Means (Pilot)," (Directed by Agnieszka Holland
For this, it's no question that Lost was robbed. If you didn't cheer upon each member of Oceanic Flight 815 waking up from the sideways universe, you didn't truly understand that Jack Bender is a genius. To all those who wanted J.J. to return to the show for the swan song, I say this: it's redundant, talent-wise. Breaking Bad unfortunately got nominated for the wrong episode. Rian Johnson's "Fly" was forty-four minutes of Walt and Jesse jumping around in their meth warehouse (that eerily resembled the first level of the old-school Nintendo 64 GoldenEye) chasing, well, a fly. Needless to say, it was unlike anything else on TV thus far this year, but that's probably why it wasn't nominated. Dexter winning was a surprise, but only because I gave up on the show at the start of Season Three, but I greatly respect Steve Shill and now feel it necessary to at least catch up to his episode and judge for myself.
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "I Do Do," Directed by Don Scardino
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Directed by Ryan Murphy
Glee, "Wheels," Directed by Paris Barclay
Modern Family, "Pilot," Directed by Jason Winer
Nurse Jackie, "Pilot," Directed by Allen Coulter
Glee won for directing. If anything, that's the least interesting aspect of the show, unless the director's name rhymes with "Woss Jeedon," even if his episode was meh. You can't blame him for trying and failing to do much other than make it more clear that Neil Patrick Harris is a treasure.
That's all, folks.
Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad
Dexter
The Good Wife
Lost
Mad Men
True Blood
Okay, Mad Men won for the third year in a row. That was entirely expected, almost like predicting that the old guys in the balcony seats on The Muppet Show will say something savagely witty and inappropriate. I personally believe that once you win an award, that's it. None more awarding. But since Mad Men had its best season (until this season, but saying that about Mad Men gets more redundant every week), it's okay. I vastly prefer Breaking Bad, simply because it allows you to root for a man after he has run over a man and, seconds later, shot another point blank in the face without a single reservation. However, since Damages was not included (and neither was Justfied... so Emmy voters will nominate shit like The Good Wife and pass over FX? Shame on you, faceless masses!), I was rooting for Lost. It wasn't a perfect season (I agree with everyone who complained about Richard Alpert's flashback and almost everything about "Across the Sea," but I will defend the flash-sideways universe until I die), but the finale made me cry. Seriously. That's enough for me. Sure, it's not hard to make me cry. Insulting my mother is one way, calling me a "doody-face" is another. But I was so moved that for weeks afterward I could do nothing but get venomous against anyone who besmirched all two-and-a-half hours of it. Also, True Blood? Seriously? I'm fucking addicted to it, but that doesn't make it good, just TV crack without the teeth rotting. Just ask a meth-head to justify their behavior and you'll see what I mean.
Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Glee
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie
The Office
First of all, Weeds had its best season last year, Community was totally robbed, and Parks and Recreation is my favorite comedy since Season Two of The Office, but we work with what we have. So, why did Modern Family win? Honestly, it's a wonderful show with much to love, but if we're discussing what the best thing is on a disappointing list, 30 Rock comes out in full force. Glee is there because 25% of America turned gay for thirteen weeks and then got gayer four months later. Nurse Jackie is there because... shit, I have no idea why Nurse Jackie was nominated. It's not unwatchable but not particularly stimulating either. Maybe the Academy just wanted to show their sensitivity for the "special" shows that cable networks renew just to be quirky. But this isn't the Humanitas Awards. The Office? Still a great show but far from its peak. I haven't seen Curb in three years, mainly because it was becoming HBO-stale, which, despite being better than ABC-stale, is just embarassing. In short, 30 Rock should have taken its fourth statue, but only because these nominees totally suck.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Bryan Cranston as "Walt White," Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall as "Dexter Morgan," Dexter
Kyle Chandler as "Eric Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Hugh Laurie as "Dr. Gregory House," House
Matthew Fox as "Jack Shephard," Lost
Jon Hamm as "Don Draper," Mad Men
I love Bryan Cranston, but c'mon! I don't know how Jon Hamm has convincingly done the "oh, I'm so proud of you I WISH I COULD BE YOU NO I DON'T YES I DO no, but honestly, you're fantastic" clap upon hearing Cranston's name for the past two years. He is so damn smooth as Don Draper that I wouldn't hesitate to fuck him. And understated somehow doesn't equal Emmy gold very often. Ask that bastard Tony Shalhoub (as someone with severe O.C.D., I have to say that I'm overjoyed at Monk's cancelation). Seriously, his monologue to Elisabeth Moss in the third act of "Shut the Door. Have a Seat" is one of the most electric and moving moments of television history, and the best part is that Hamm chose to play it as if the speech may have been complete bullshit if you analyze it to a certain degree. It was nice to see Kyle Chandler finally get rewarded for being half of the most realistic married couple since the development of the cathode-ray tube, but seeing Hugh Laurie after Cranston's name was announced was sad. He seemed to acknowledge that he deserves the award for six years of hard work, if not this particular year. And since the show has very little shelf life left, maybe we should sneak into Cranston's trailer next season and just Sharpee Hugh's name on it. Just for shits and giggles.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin as "Jack Donaghy," 30 Rock
Jim Parsons as "Sheldon Cooper," The Big Bang Theory
Larry David as "Himself," Curb Your Enthusiasm
Matthew Morrison as "Will Schuester," Glee
Tony Shalhoub as "Adrian Monk," Monk
Steve Carell as "Michael Scott," The Office
Can we say "hell yes"? Jim Parsons has made The Big Bang Theory evolve from a show with one great performance and Two and a Half Men-level writing to one of the most effortless ensembles on television with enough built-in charisma to make the dumbest nerd joke resonate. He anchors the show, so even when the other characters drift into cliche, Parsons manages to make his hilarious Asperger's twitches all the more fresh. Bazinga. Also, to echo Crystal: how the hell did Matthew Morrison get nominated? Did he do a live version of "The Thong Song" for all the more seedy Emmy voters? And, if you think I've done enough Glee bashing, prepare for some more. Of the Glee bashing.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Kyra Sedgwick as "Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson," The Closer
Glenn Close as "Patty Hewes," Damages
Connie Britton as "Tami Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies as "Alicia Florrick," The Good Wife
Mariska Hargitay as "Detective Olivia Benson," Law & Order: SVU
January Jones as "Betty Draper," Mad Men
I don't watch The Closer because I have better things to do whenever it's on, even if it's the only thing to watch on the face of the earth. I don't watch The Good Wife because I can tell between good and shit. I don't watch SVU because I like shows that don't reboot at the end of every episode. And then there was the woman they call January. She is absolutely flawless as Betty Draper (and not so great at everything else, as her SNL episode leads me to believe) that I'm sure she's so method that she's miserable every day of her entire life. That pent up frustration that could spontaneously light every cigarette she puffs throughout any episode is too damn good to be mere acting. This, of course, is why she lost to Kevin Bacon's wife. Emmy voters can't handle someone so real. Also, Connie Britton is the perfect mother (I would know, as I have one almost as good), but she had no chance in hell.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Tina Fey as "Liz Lemon," 30 Rock
Lea Michele as "Rachel Berry," Glee
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as "Christine Campbell," The New Adventures of Old Christine
Edie Falco as "Jackie Peyton," Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as "Leslie Knope," Parks and Recreation
Toni Collette as "Tara Gregson," United States of Tara
When Fallon enlisted Amy Poehler to help him introduce Comedy, all I could focus on were pregnancy boobs in a beautiful blue dress. And when those beautiful pregnancy boobs in that beautiful blue dress didn't ascend the stairs during this collection of nominees like God intended, I was upset. When Edie Falco's name was called, all I could think was "Wow. The Sopranos is still on? What is it, like Season Twelve by now?" Seriously, though, Leslie Knope was one of the greater comedic creations of 2009-2010, and the ever-versatile Poehler better have some trophy in her future. Even if it has to be a crummy Grammy. It's a shame that Mary-Louise Parker wasn't nominated for her "smoking and sushi" episode of Weeds alone, but hopefully the bigges, most expressive eyes in Hollywood will make a comeback next year. I honestly think that when they made that old Tootsie Pop commercial with the owl instructing some random kid how many licks it takes to get to the center, they based the owl's eyes on Parker's, then added glasses.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Aaron Paul as "Jesse Pinkman," Breaking Bad
Martin Short as "Leonard Winstone," Damages
Terry O'Quinn as "John Locke," Lost
Michael Emerson as "Ben Linus," Lost
John Slattery as "Roger Sterling," Mad Men
Andre Braugher as "Owen," Men of a Certain Age
Completely deserved. Last season. This year, I was rooting for Martin Short, who managed to make me forgive some of his more ultra-hyperactive and mug-worthy performances (Arrested Development comes to mind, as does his early-'80s post-SCTV period) by putting in a truly amazing menace in an already menace-filled season of Damages. Since this brilliant season didn't get nominated as a whole, it was at least kind enough of the Academy to include the season's best element with a possible grasp at an award. But back to Aaron Paul. His rehabilitated Jesse Pinkman for Season Three of Breaking Bad was so nuanced to the point that his attitude seemed practically tantric until the last third of the year, not that I'm complaining about subtlety. But his work on "ABQ," last season's finale, especially the scene in which the cleaners go through his apartment and leave him to explain his girlfriend's overdose to the police was too perfect. But of all the categories presented this year, this particular one has to be the one with an almost entire embarassment of riches. By having Terry O'Quinn play 'Ol Smokey (the ultimate "faceless" enemy on the Island itself) and quadriplegic John Locke simultaneously, no supporting actor got a better talent test this year. Emerson was also flawless as usual, especially when he decides to stay on the purgatory bench instead of joining his now-friends in the afterlife. John Slattery winning is about as blissful as a surprise phantom orgasm, which is why he (and every other actor from Mad Men) will never win dick. As for Andre Braugher, I'm a fan, and I appreciate that he put on twenty pounds for a fucking television show just for the sake of realism, but I didn't follow this performance past the pilot.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Chris Colfer as "Kurt Hummel," Glee
Neil Patrick Harris as "Barney Stinson," How I Met Your Mother
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as "Mitchell Pritchett," Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as "Cameron Tucker," Modern Family
Ty Burrell as "Phil Dunphy," Modern Family
Jon Cryer as "Alan Harper," Two and a Half Men
Yes, Virginia, there is no God, simply because Jon Cryer can win an Emmy over Neil Patrick Harris and then get nominated again the next year. Modern Family certainly has a wonderful ensemble cast, but the strongest member of that cast (Rico Rodriguez II) may be too young to be nominated at ten-years-old. And of all the nominated Family members (like what I did there? I'm so damn clever), my vote goes for Ty Burrell, who can sell the line "fix that step later" twenty-three episodes in a row without getting tired, and, also, for the ceremonies he dressed up like Pee-wee Herman. His being the film version of Doc Samson has nothing to do with my pick, I swear. And then there's Chris Colfer. I can deal with Glee for ten minutes at a time (it's either the occasional Auto-Tune is sickening or the endless "we're so edgy by sexualizing teenagers and making every adult a buffoon" walk cycle), but if the show was just Chris Colfer as Kurt and Mike O'Malley as his father without the extra cast trimmings (except Jane Lynch, who is a genius, and Jayma Mays and Lea Michele, who are hot), that would be appointment television.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Sharon Gless as "Madeline Westen," Burn Notice
Rose Byrne as "Ellen Parsons," Damages
Archie Panjabi as "Kalinda Sharma," The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as "Diane Lockhart," The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks as "Joan Harris," Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss as "Peggy Olson," Mad Men
What? Elisabeth Moss was passed over, despite being responsible for one of the most intriguing, layered, and unpredictable female roles in the history of television? Even though last season included the line "My name is Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana"? Hendricks was also superb last year, with her midseason breakdown and her brilliant, clipped delivery in the season finale (although in order to be transcendently superb, it requires superb writing beneath). Rose Byrne is a fine actress, although I grow restless if the two female leads spend too much screentime without any other chracters, but it also seems like her acceptance by the Academy is a pity nomination, as there aren't a shitload of decent characters for women in the television industry; never have been. They could have at least nominated Dexter's hot sister instead of someone from a CBS show that benefits only from not being as horrible as everything else on CBS.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski as "Jenna Maroney," 30 Rock
Jane Lynch as "Sue Sylvester," Glee
Julie Bowen as "Claire Dunphy," Modern Family
Sofia Vergara as "Gloria Delgado-Pritchett," Modern Family
Kristen Wiig as "Various Characters," Saturday Night Live
Holland Taylor as "Evelyn Harper," Two and a Half Men
Jane Lynch was nominated for an award? I don't care if she guest starred on The Closer. You give her that goddamn award and a doozy of a bearhug. Woman has deserved it since she stepped onscreen in Best in Show.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Friday Night Lights, "The Son," Written by Rolin Jones
The Good Wife, "Pilot," Written by Michelle King and Robert King
Lost, "The End," Written by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Written by Robin Veith and Matthew Weiner
Mad Men, "Shut the Door. Have a Seat." Written by Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy
Okay, I'm torn. Friday Night Lights gets a nomination for writing, which shows that people finally understand that even though the show boasts an ensemble that elevates some bad plot decisions (ding dong, Season Two murdered rapist ringing!), the writers are still in charge of moving the characters in the right direction. Other than that, it's a tie between "The End," which I've already praised indirectly, and "Shut the Door. Have a Seat.", which I praised directly. I'll give it to Mad Men, just because of the whole cork situation. If you know what I'm talking about and understand what I mean, "God" bless your little "soul."
Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "Anna Howard Shaw Day," Written by Matt Hubbard
30 Rock, "Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter," Written by Tina Fey and Kay Cannon
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Written by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan
Modern Family, "Pilot," Written by Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd
The Office, "Niagara," Written by Greg Daniels and Mindy Kaling
Well, when you have a category where Greg Garcia can win for the pilot of My Name Is Earl, you know for sure that you're in a class where quality is debatable, and those doing the debating are mentallly retarded. But Glee aside, this isn't a bad selection. Modern Family had many better episodes than the pilot (which didn't actually take off for me until the third act, in which we learn that all three families are connected), and I would have preferred "My Funky Valentine" (Edward Norton as the former bassist from Spandau Ballet was quite a treat, as it was the first re-teaming of Bruce Banner and Doc Samson--which, yet again, I swear was not a factor in my praise of Ty Burrell earlier). "Niagara" for me was more of a Best Directing episode (mostly everything from the wedding dance juxtaposed with the official Maid of the Mist nuptials), so I'll give Paul Feig more props than Daniels and Kaling. I guess that leaves 30 Rock by itself, simply because Weeds' "Where the Sidewalk Ends" was ignored.
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Breaking Bad, "One Minute," Directed by Michelle MacLaren
Dexter, "The Getaway," Directed by Steve Shill
Lost, "The End," Directed by Jack Bender
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter
Treme, "Do You Know What it Means (Pilot)," (Directed by Agnieszka Holland
For this, it's no question that Lost was robbed. If you didn't cheer upon each member of Oceanic Flight 815 waking up from the sideways universe, you didn't truly understand that Jack Bender is a genius. To all those who wanted J.J. to return to the show for the swan song, I say this: it's redundant, talent-wise. Breaking Bad unfortunately got nominated for the wrong episode. Rian Johnson's "Fly" was forty-four minutes of Walt and Jesse jumping around in their meth warehouse (that eerily resembled the first level of the old-school Nintendo 64 GoldenEye) chasing, well, a fly. Needless to say, it was unlike anything else on TV thus far this year, but that's probably why it wasn't nominated. Dexter winning was a surprise, but only because I gave up on the show at the start of Season Three, but I greatly respect Steve Shill and now feel it necessary to at least catch up to his episode and judge for myself.
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "I Do Do," Directed by Don Scardino
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Directed by Ryan Murphy
Glee, "Wheels," Directed by Paris Barclay
Modern Family, "Pilot," Directed by Jason Winer
Nurse Jackie, "Pilot," Directed by Allen Coulter
Glee won for directing. If anything, that's the least interesting aspect of the show, unless the director's name rhymes with "Woss Jeedon," even if his episode was meh. You can't blame him for trying and failing to do much other than make it more clear that Neil Patrick Harris is a treasure.
That's all, folks.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Yeah, It's Way Too Late...
Okay, this entry may seem rushed, and that's only because it was written in a ten-minute period during which my house had power.
Second: This is merely Part I. In this post, I will suggest which shows and actors and scripts deserved an Emmy nod this year.
Part II will analyze the actual winners (which were mostly okay) and the actual nominees (which didn't differ from my own too much).
For this entry, my preferred winner is in bold.
First, let’s imagine that each category of shows has 10 nominees, much like the Oscars.
BEST DRAMA
Damages
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Lost
Justified
Fringe
White Collar
Dollhouse
Treme
Castle
BEST COMEDY
Parks and Recreation
Weeds
Community
Modern Family
The Office
30 Rock
The Venture Bros.
How I Met Your Mother
Futurama
The Sarah Silverman Program.
BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Glenn Close, Damages
Mary-Lynn Rajskub, 24
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
January Jones, Mad Men
BEST ACTRESS, COMEDY
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program.
Jane Adams, Hung
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, DRAMA
Melissa Leo, Treme
Blair Brown, Fringe
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Khandi Alexander, Treme
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, COMEDY
Jane Lynch, Glee
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Sofia Vegara, Modern Family
Alison Brie, Community
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
BEST ACTOR, DRAMA
Timothy Olyphant, Justified
Tate Donovan, Damages
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House M.D.
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
BEST ACTOR, COMEDY
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Jason Schwartzman, Bored to Death
Steve Carell, The Office
James Urbaniak, The Venture Bros.
Justin Kirk, Weeds
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, DRAMA
Martin Short, Damages
John Noble, Fringe
John Slattery, Mad Men
Bob Odenkirk, Breaking Bad
Ken Leung, Lost
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, COMEDY
John Krasinski, The Office
Rainn Wilson, The Office
Chris Colfer, Glee
Chris Pratt, Parks and Recreation
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
BEST WRITING, DRAMA
“The End,” Lost
“Over There: Parts I & II,” Fringe
“Shut the Door. Have a Seat.” Mad Men
“A Love Supreme,” Dollhouse
“Long in the Tooth,” Justified
BEST WRITING, COMEDY
“Pawnee Zoo,” Parks and Recreation
“A Modest Proposal,” Weeds
“Modern Warfare,” Community
"Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel," The Venture Bros.
“Niagara,” The Office
BEST DIRECTING, DRAMA
“Fly,” Breaking Bad
“Shut the Door. Have a Seat.” Mad Men
“The End,” Lost
“Wish Someone Would Care,” Treme
“Belonging,” Dollhouse
BEST DIRECTING, COMEDY
“Modern Warfare,” Community
“Ron and Tammy,” Parks and Recreation
“Girls Versus Suits,” How I Met Your Mother
“Floyd,” 30 Rock
“Pilot,” Hung
BEST GUEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Kiernan Shipka, Mad Men
Elizabeth Mitchell, Lost
Evan Rachel Wood, True Blood
Lily Tomlin, Damages
Ana Reeder, Damages
BEST GUEST ACTRESS, COMEDY
Kristin Chenoweth, Glee
Alanis Morisette, Weeds
Jennifer Jason Leigh, Weeds
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Megan Mullally, Parks and Recreation
BEST GUEST ACTOR, DRAMA
Jared Harris, Mad Men
Alan Tudyk, Dollhouse
Titus Welliver, Lost
Jason Ritter, Parenthood
Walton Goggins, Justified
BEST GUEST ACTOR, COMEDY
Mike O’Malley, Glee
Enrique Castillo, Weeds
Jon Hamm, 30 Rock
Edward Norton, Modern Family
Matt Damon, 30 Rock
Second: This is merely Part I. In this post, I will suggest which shows and actors and scripts deserved an Emmy nod this year.
Part II will analyze the actual winners (which were mostly okay) and the actual nominees (which didn't differ from my own too much).
For this entry, my preferred winner is in bold.
First, let’s imagine that each category of shows has 10 nominees, much like the Oscars.
BEST DRAMA
Damages
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Lost
Justified
Fringe
White Collar
Dollhouse
Treme
Castle
BEST COMEDY
Parks and Recreation
Weeds
Community
Modern Family
The Office
30 Rock
The Venture Bros.
How I Met Your Mother
Futurama
The Sarah Silverman Program.
BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Glenn Close, Damages
Mary-Lynn Rajskub, 24
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
January Jones, Mad Men
BEST ACTRESS, COMEDY
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program.
Jane Adams, Hung
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, DRAMA
Melissa Leo, Treme
Blair Brown, Fringe
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Khandi Alexander, Treme
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, COMEDY
Jane Lynch, Glee
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Sofia Vegara, Modern Family
Alison Brie, Community
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
BEST ACTOR, DRAMA
Timothy Olyphant, Justified
Tate Donovan, Damages
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House M.D.
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
BEST ACTOR, COMEDY
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Jason Schwartzman, Bored to Death
Steve Carell, The Office
James Urbaniak, The Venture Bros.
Justin Kirk, Weeds
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, DRAMA
Martin Short, Damages
John Noble, Fringe
John Slattery, Mad Men
Bob Odenkirk, Breaking Bad
Ken Leung, Lost
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, COMEDY
John Krasinski, The Office
Rainn Wilson, The Office
Chris Colfer, Glee
Chris Pratt, Parks and Recreation
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
BEST WRITING, DRAMA
“The End,” Lost
“Over There: Parts I & II,” Fringe
“Shut the Door. Have a Seat.” Mad Men
“A Love Supreme,” Dollhouse
“Long in the Tooth,” Justified
BEST WRITING, COMEDY
“Pawnee Zoo,” Parks and Recreation
“A Modest Proposal,” Weeds
“Modern Warfare,” Community
"Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel," The Venture Bros.
“Niagara,” The Office
BEST DIRECTING, DRAMA
“Fly,” Breaking Bad
“Shut the Door. Have a Seat.” Mad Men
“The End,” Lost
“Wish Someone Would Care,” Treme
“Belonging,” Dollhouse
BEST DIRECTING, COMEDY
“Modern Warfare,” Community
“Ron and Tammy,” Parks and Recreation
“Girls Versus Suits,” How I Met Your Mother
“Floyd,” 30 Rock
“Pilot,” Hung
BEST GUEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Kiernan Shipka, Mad Men
Elizabeth Mitchell, Lost
Evan Rachel Wood, True Blood
Lily Tomlin, Damages
Ana Reeder, Damages
BEST GUEST ACTRESS, COMEDY
Kristin Chenoweth, Glee
Alanis Morisette, Weeds
Jennifer Jason Leigh, Weeds
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Megan Mullally, Parks and Recreation
BEST GUEST ACTOR, DRAMA
Jared Harris, Mad Men
Alan Tudyk, Dollhouse
Titus Welliver, Lost
Jason Ritter, Parenthood
Walton Goggins, Justified
BEST GUEST ACTOR, COMEDY
Mike O’Malley, Glee
Enrique Castillo, Weeds
Jon Hamm, 30 Rock
Edward Norton, Modern Family
Matt Damon, 30 Rock
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
10 Thoughts on "Lost" Ending
First of all, MacGruber is easily the funniest movie in years. If you haven't seen it (and there are millions of you fuckers), shame on you. You'll probably find it on DVD four years from now and brag to all your friends that you "discovered" it.
THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES SOME SPOILERS, MOST OF WHICH ARE NOW COMMON KNOWLEDGE. SO THERE.
Why was "The End" the best series finale since "Not Fade Away"? I have fifteen reasons.
1. _______ & Juliet
By now, most people who read this blog are aware of my lustful affection for Elizabeth Mitchell, the only woman who could pull off a busty dress underneath a drab white coat. Thus I am including her here for posterity.
2. The Flashes
Every moment in the past meant something in the Sideways. I especially love that all it took for Sayid to remember was looking into Shannon's face (I also like that her only line is "Sayid").
3. The Meaning
I love that Darlton have gone radio silent, because it allows me to ponder the spiritual significance of everything that has come before, and given that the show has never exactly been secretive in terms of its reverence for faith, it starts the search anew.
4. The Answers
There were none. Absolutely no new information aside from the end occurred in two-and-a-half hours, and last week that would have infuriated me. But after such a cathartic, heartwarming and terrifying event, I'm satisifed with everything I got. The extra mystery just gives it some extra oomph.
5. The Showdown
Has the show ever done something as deliberately badass as Jack and UnLocke's wrestling/stabbing match on the collapsing cliff? No. The answer is no.
6. The Missing
No Widmore. No Pre-UnLocke. No Jacob. This wasn't their story. They helped flesh out the universe in terms of time and motivation, but it still wasn't their story.
7. The Uncertainty
I have never been driven to silence for five straight minutes by anything, much less an episode of television. The combination of extreme euphoria and absolute mortal terror was astounding. For once, my brother and I agreed on every single detail, and once Christian showed everyone The Light, it became a spiritual moment for the viewing audience as well.
8. The Linus
Ben sitting outside on the bench was moving. Locke raising to his feet at Ben's urging and forgiving him was poignant. Ben declining Hurley's invitation into the church? My favorite moment of the entire season.
9. The End (a.k.a. They Beat Me to the Punch)
I referred to the end as terrifying for one reason: it deals in the afterlife. As you may know, I am an atheist. I have been an atheist since I could think lucidly. I will be an atheist until the day I die. But I don't want to be an atheist. I just don't. When I can't sleep at night, all I can think about is the fact that I will die and nothing will happen. Everything I've worked for will be meaningless and I will simply rot. Anytime a medium discusses death I get antsy and sad. But this ending made me feel that way and made me hopeful. And as for the writers beating me to the punch? I'll put it simply: six years ago I plotted out four whole seasons of LunchGroup X. The first detail that came to mind was the last ten minutes of the series finale. And guess what: my ten minutes are nearly identical to their ten minutes. I'm going to have to up my game if I want to survive.
10. The Island
The show has been tricking us ever since the Monster shook the trees in the Pilot. Why don't I care about long-standing Island mysteries gone unresolved? Because I realized that the DHARMA Initiative and The Rules and the Frozen Donkey Wheel are just quirks thrown into story about people who must live together under extraordinary circumstances. If you were paying proper attention, perhaps you felt it too.
THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES SOME SPOILERS, MOST OF WHICH ARE NOW COMMON KNOWLEDGE. SO THERE.
Why was "The End" the best series finale since "Not Fade Away"? I have fifteen reasons.
1. _______ & Juliet
By now, most people who read this blog are aware of my lustful affection for Elizabeth Mitchell, the only woman who could pull off a busty dress underneath a drab white coat. Thus I am including her here for posterity.
2. The Flashes
Every moment in the past meant something in the Sideways. I especially love that all it took for Sayid to remember was looking into Shannon's face (I also like that her only line is "Sayid").
3. The Meaning
I love that Darlton have gone radio silent, because it allows me to ponder the spiritual significance of everything that has come before, and given that the show has never exactly been secretive in terms of its reverence for faith, it starts the search anew.
4. The Answers
There were none. Absolutely no new information aside from the end occurred in two-and-a-half hours, and last week that would have infuriated me. But after such a cathartic, heartwarming and terrifying event, I'm satisifed with everything I got. The extra mystery just gives it some extra oomph.
5. The Showdown
Has the show ever done something as deliberately badass as Jack and UnLocke's wrestling/stabbing match on the collapsing cliff? No. The answer is no.
6. The Missing
No Widmore. No Pre-UnLocke. No Jacob. This wasn't their story. They helped flesh out the universe in terms of time and motivation, but it still wasn't their story.
7. The Uncertainty
I have never been driven to silence for five straight minutes by anything, much less an episode of television. The combination of extreme euphoria and absolute mortal terror was astounding. For once, my brother and I agreed on every single detail, and once Christian showed everyone The Light, it became a spiritual moment for the viewing audience as well.
8. The Linus
Ben sitting outside on the bench was moving. Locke raising to his feet at Ben's urging and forgiving him was poignant. Ben declining Hurley's invitation into the church? My favorite moment of the entire season.
9. The End (a.k.a. They Beat Me to the Punch)
I referred to the end as terrifying for one reason: it deals in the afterlife. As you may know, I am an atheist. I have been an atheist since I could think lucidly. I will be an atheist until the day I die. But I don't want to be an atheist. I just don't. When I can't sleep at night, all I can think about is the fact that I will die and nothing will happen. Everything I've worked for will be meaningless and I will simply rot. Anytime a medium discusses death I get antsy and sad. But this ending made me feel that way and made me hopeful. And as for the writers beating me to the punch? I'll put it simply: six years ago I plotted out four whole seasons of LunchGroup X. The first detail that came to mind was the last ten minutes of the series finale. And guess what: my ten minutes are nearly identical to their ten minutes. I'm going to have to up my game if I want to survive.
10. The Island
The show has been tricking us ever since the Monster shook the trees in the Pilot. Why don't I care about long-standing Island mysteries gone unresolved? Because I realized that the DHARMA Initiative and The Rules and the Frozen Donkey Wheel are just quirks thrown into story about people who must live together under extraordinary circumstances. If you were paying proper attention, perhaps you felt it too.
Monday, May 10, 2010
14 Reasons Why "Iron Man 2" Kicks Ass
1. The Villain
I'm not talking about Mickey Rourke. Sam Rockwell is a performer that seems to never have a bad day. Some people phone it in for the cash, but I don't think Rockwell is capable of doing so. His ass-kissing during the Senate hearing? His cocky dance at the Expo? His embarassing conversation in Monaco? Nobody does petty/pissy like Mr. Rockwell. The fact that he's alive leads me to hope he's behind the Mandarin in Iron Man 3.
2. The Ladies
Olivia Munn, Kate Mara, and Scarlett Johansson. Not bad for one movie.
3. The Nerd Factor
Do you understand the glee I experienced when, the moment following Agent Coulson's handling of Captain America's work-in-progress shield, there were twelve cheers in an empty theater and not one of them came from me? You don't? Fuck off.
4. The Paltrow
Not as yummy as last time, but she definitely made up for her Act 3 "I Forgot How to Act" business.
5. The Elder Stark
Tim Robbins was originally supposed to be Howard, not John Slattery. Brilliant move! Making Slattery into a techno-geek Walt Disney? More brilliant! Hiding the discovery of vibranium in a model of EPCOT Center? Supa-genius! Hiring the Sherman Brothers (authors of "It's a Small World!") to record a Carousel of Progress parody theme for these retro bits? I'm tired of saying brilliant. But the best aspect of the introduction of Howard? He now gets to play a pivotal role in Captain America: The First Avenger.
6. The (Other) SHIELD
"Sir, step away from the donut!" When do we get a Nick Fury movie, seriously?
7. The CNN
Last time Tony took a beating from Jim Cramer. This time? Christiane Amanpour. A step up.
8. The Man
If Tony doesn't accidentally call someone else Stan Lee next time, I may cry.
9. The Expo
It brings the Titanium-Alloy Man to New York, which means that Avengers Tower is on the rise!
10. The Senator
Garry Shandling is in this movie.
11. The Map
As pointed out by some other nerds, during the final SHIELD scene, a map of the world can be seen with a large red portion in the center of Africa. That's because Wakanda is undergoing a civil war. The Black Panther will soon come to power.
12. The Bleep
"Fuck you! Fuck you, buddy!"
13. The Suitcase
It's the closest thing we're going to get to the Extremis armor, so I'll relish it while I can.
14. The (Other) Hammer
If you didn't get goosebumps after the sound of thunder, you're a bad nerd. Thor is my least favorite Avenger, but my brother and I were almost too enraptured to motivate our legs to leave the theater.
I'm not talking about Mickey Rourke. Sam Rockwell is a performer that seems to never have a bad day. Some people phone it in for the cash, but I don't think Rockwell is capable of doing so. His ass-kissing during the Senate hearing? His cocky dance at the Expo? His embarassing conversation in Monaco? Nobody does petty/pissy like Mr. Rockwell. The fact that he's alive leads me to hope he's behind the Mandarin in Iron Man 3.
2. The Ladies
Olivia Munn, Kate Mara, and Scarlett Johansson. Not bad for one movie.
3. The Nerd Factor
Do you understand the glee I experienced when, the moment following Agent Coulson's handling of Captain America's work-in-progress shield, there were twelve cheers in an empty theater and not one of them came from me? You don't? Fuck off.
4. The Paltrow
Not as yummy as last time, but she definitely made up for her Act 3 "I Forgot How to Act" business.
5. The Elder Stark
Tim Robbins was originally supposed to be Howard, not John Slattery. Brilliant move! Making Slattery into a techno-geek Walt Disney? More brilliant! Hiding the discovery of vibranium in a model of EPCOT Center? Supa-genius! Hiring the Sherman Brothers (authors of "It's a Small World!") to record a Carousel of Progress parody theme for these retro bits? I'm tired of saying brilliant. But the best aspect of the introduction of Howard? He now gets to play a pivotal role in Captain America: The First Avenger.
6. The (Other) SHIELD
"Sir, step away from the donut!" When do we get a Nick Fury movie, seriously?
7. The CNN
Last time Tony took a beating from Jim Cramer. This time? Christiane Amanpour. A step up.
8. The Man
If Tony doesn't accidentally call someone else Stan Lee next time, I may cry.
9. The Expo
It brings the Titanium-Alloy Man to New York, which means that Avengers Tower is on the rise!
10. The Senator
Garry Shandling is in this movie.
11. The Map
As pointed out by some other nerds, during the final SHIELD scene, a map of the world can be seen with a large red portion in the center of Africa. That's because Wakanda is undergoing a civil war. The Black Panther will soon come to power.
12. The Bleep
"Fuck you! Fuck you, buddy!"
13. The Suitcase
It's the closest thing we're going to get to the Extremis armor, so I'll relish it while I can.
14. The (Other) Hammer
If you didn't get goosebumps after the sound of thunder, you're a bad nerd. Thor is my least favorite Avenger, but my brother and I were almost too enraptured to motivate our legs to leave the theater.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Disneyland Part I
This is not a blog on how my girlfriend and I immersed ourselves in the Disneyland Resort this past March. This is about all the things that are great or unknown or weird variety of things you can experience yourself. If you’re looking for a guide to Hidden Mickey spotting, Amazon has six or seven books on the subject. This is for the novice. The average person. People that probably hate Disneyland and need to throw up their hands and embrace the magic.
Let’s start in Adventureland. Did you know that this area’s former E-ticket ride, the Jungle Cruise, is the only non-Fantasyland ride to survive from Opening Day in 1955 to the present. Did you care? Me neither.
Since 1993, this particular land has housed the best Disneyland attraction ever: The Indiana Jones Adventure. The ride is so immense that, once you board your vehicle, you are actually outside the park’s berm, housed in a building that can’t even be detected by Google Earth. There’s also about a quarter mile’s worth of queue, some of the best and most atmospheric ever. Throughout the dimly-lit section of caves and temples there are dozens of phrases in a bizarre heiroglyphic language. Today it’s impossible to decipher them simply because the majority of the phrases are advertisements for AT&T, the former sponsor of the attraction. Back during the attraction’s salad days, decoder cards were handed out towards the entrance, which also features a prop Mercedes used in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are two central illusions during this attraction, both of which are ingenious.
We shall start with the first thing you actually see in the attraction: the “three” temple doors are a bluff. There is actually only one door. If you look at the track in front of you, it’s the easiest illusion to spoil, as you may notice that there is no track leading to any other door than the one you enter. The trick is elemental: three sets of doors that simply move to the left and right for each oncoming vehicle combined with lighting effects.
The second is the most impressive: the Raiders boulder. The scene is thus. Your troop transport enters a pitch-black cave with an Animatronic Indy (who neither looks nor sounds like Harrison Ford) hanging from the ceiling. As light enters the cave, you notice a giant boulder coming your way. The illusion begins when your car appears to be moving in reverse, simply because it’s not. The room is moving toward you. The giant boulder is simply attached to a stick and, with the aid of strobe lights, appears to almost strike your car. The final scene in the ride, that of Indy and the defeated boulder, is embarassing in its cheapness. As the cars enter the load/unload section, an average eye can see a giant mechanical apparatus sticking out of Indy’s back, with wires aplenty.
The Jungle Cruise is the most well-known attractions in theme park history, so I’ll only cover my favorite part of the excursion: the infamous Schweitzer Falls, of course named after Dr. Albert Falls.
The next area is New Orleans Square, the most meticulously designed pre-Toontown area. This area houses both Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, two more rides that take place off-property. Pirates was recently revamped following the shitty Bruckheimer trilogy, essentially adding a plot to one of the more influential non-linear attractions ever. The new version adds lots of dialogue involving hunting down Jack Sparrow, who barely appears in the attraction. Scenes that were once designed around environment and tone (like the drowning or the wench auction) now have random Sparrow references from very different-sounding pirates, ruining some of the best moments. Also, the attraction features a digital projection of Davy Jones, which doesn’t make sense simply because the ride itself is not supernatural. There are lots of skeletons around, but none of them move. So what the fuck is a giant squid monster doing here? Did he get lost en route to the Submarine Voyage?
The Haunted Mansion has a few cool tricks. First of all, there’s nothing inside the house. When you leave the stretching room (a complicated slowly-descending elevator with a scrim ceiling), you are underground. What’s inside the house? I’d love to find out. Also, the show building for the Mansion is actually next to the show building for Splash Mountain, so much so that the ride operators for both attractions occasionally switch rides on a whim. The outside of the attraction features a horse-drawn hearse without a horse. Some morons on the Internet claim that it was Brigham Young’s hearse, but in actuality it was purchased in 1991 as part of an Indiana Jones stunt show that never passed the development phase. The actual ghosts in the attraction are Animatronics in front of a large pane of glass. Shining light on these figures on-and-off makes them appear and disappear. In fact, any time you see ghosts that de-materialize, look very carefully, because all of these scenes will take place between a very large pane of glass. My favorite little detail? Towards the end of the graveyard scene, you will notice a large woman yodeling in a Viking uniform. What’s the explanation? According to the designing Imagineers, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
Part II on the way...
Let’s start in Adventureland. Did you know that this area’s former E-ticket ride, the Jungle Cruise, is the only non-Fantasyland ride to survive from Opening Day in 1955 to the present. Did you care? Me neither.
Since 1993, this particular land has housed the best Disneyland attraction ever: The Indiana Jones Adventure. The ride is so immense that, once you board your vehicle, you are actually outside the park’s berm, housed in a building that can’t even be detected by Google Earth. There’s also about a quarter mile’s worth of queue, some of the best and most atmospheric ever. Throughout the dimly-lit section of caves and temples there are dozens of phrases in a bizarre heiroglyphic language. Today it’s impossible to decipher them simply because the majority of the phrases are advertisements for AT&T, the former sponsor of the attraction. Back during the attraction’s salad days, decoder cards were handed out towards the entrance, which also features a prop Mercedes used in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are two central illusions during this attraction, both of which are ingenious.
We shall start with the first thing you actually see in the attraction: the “three” temple doors are a bluff. There is actually only one door. If you look at the track in front of you, it’s the easiest illusion to spoil, as you may notice that there is no track leading to any other door than the one you enter. The trick is elemental: three sets of doors that simply move to the left and right for each oncoming vehicle combined with lighting effects.
The second is the most impressive: the Raiders boulder. The scene is thus. Your troop transport enters a pitch-black cave with an Animatronic Indy (who neither looks nor sounds like Harrison Ford) hanging from the ceiling. As light enters the cave, you notice a giant boulder coming your way. The illusion begins when your car appears to be moving in reverse, simply because it’s not. The room is moving toward you. The giant boulder is simply attached to a stick and, with the aid of strobe lights, appears to almost strike your car. The final scene in the ride, that of Indy and the defeated boulder, is embarassing in its cheapness. As the cars enter the load/unload section, an average eye can see a giant mechanical apparatus sticking out of Indy’s back, with wires aplenty.
The Jungle Cruise is the most well-known attractions in theme park history, so I’ll only cover my favorite part of the excursion: the infamous Schweitzer Falls, of course named after Dr. Albert Falls.
The next area is New Orleans Square, the most meticulously designed pre-Toontown area. This area houses both Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, two more rides that take place off-property. Pirates was recently revamped following the shitty Bruckheimer trilogy, essentially adding a plot to one of the more influential non-linear attractions ever. The new version adds lots of dialogue involving hunting down Jack Sparrow, who barely appears in the attraction. Scenes that were once designed around environment and tone (like the drowning or the wench auction) now have random Sparrow references from very different-sounding pirates, ruining some of the best moments. Also, the attraction features a digital projection of Davy Jones, which doesn’t make sense simply because the ride itself is not supernatural. There are lots of skeletons around, but none of them move. So what the fuck is a giant squid monster doing here? Did he get lost en route to the Submarine Voyage?
The Haunted Mansion has a few cool tricks. First of all, there’s nothing inside the house. When you leave the stretching room (a complicated slowly-descending elevator with a scrim ceiling), you are underground. What’s inside the house? I’d love to find out. Also, the show building for the Mansion is actually next to the show building for Splash Mountain, so much so that the ride operators for both attractions occasionally switch rides on a whim. The outside of the attraction features a horse-drawn hearse without a horse. Some morons on the Internet claim that it was Brigham Young’s hearse, but in actuality it was purchased in 1991 as part of an Indiana Jones stunt show that never passed the development phase. The actual ghosts in the attraction are Animatronics in front of a large pane of glass. Shining light on these figures on-and-off makes them appear and disappear. In fact, any time you see ghosts that de-materialize, look very carefully, because all of these scenes will take place between a very large pane of glass. My favorite little detail? Towards the end of the graveyard scene, you will notice a large woman yodeling in a Viking uniform. What’s the explanation? According to the designing Imagineers, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
Part II on the way...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Best of 2009 - Film
1. Toy Story/Toy Story 2 - 3-D Double Feature
This is technically cheating, as the films featured were released in 1995 and 1999 respectively, but these films were also the best movies released in those years and it was an honor to sit in a theater and watch Pixar magic in digital 3D for three hours. Have you ever seen a crowded theater of children shut up for 180 minutes? I have, and it was awesome.
2. Tyson
The mark of a truly great documentary is its ability to change the viewer's mind regarding a huge subject. I now look at Mike Tyson as a human being. That makes it go from documentary to Important Film.
3. A Serious Man
I'm still not sure that I understand most of this film, but I feel that it gets better every time I think about it. And God bless the Coen Brothers for that.
4. Avatar (IMAX 3-D)
I'm not going to justify the creative worthiness of this film, simply because Crystal ripped to shreds in less than three sentences and I really can't disagree. However, seeing this in IMAX 3-D was easily the most immersive filmgoing experience I've had outside of a theme park. The only shows that topped it were Terminator 2 3D and Jim Henson's Muppet*Vision 3D. And those shows include animatronics, shaking seats, and hundreds of blank rounds. Pandora is a place I want to visit every time I buy a ticket, but it's not a trip I could stand without the added stimulation. When it filled my entire field of vision with technicolor digital magic, it was amazing, but it's a feeling that cannot be duplicated.
5. District 9
Easily the most original summer movie ever. How something this intelligent and thought-provoking and awe-inspiring ever made $100 million, I'll never understand. How it got a Best Picture nomination is equally bewildering. This is the perfect example of turning commerce into art and vice versa.
6. Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
If District 9 wasn't the best directorial debut of the year, this would be. John Krasinski managed to turn a difficult David Foster Wallace (R.I.P.) novel into a stunner of a dramedy. Dominic Cooper puts in the best supporting performance of the year and Mr. Krasinski's five-minute closing monologue is something to treasure. A real find. Although it's fictional, Wallace's words best sum up the experience: "The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you."
7. Not Quite Hollywood
Two crazy hours of actual Australian fringe cinema from the '60s, '70s and '80s with commentary from Quentin Tarantino and the dozens of mad men who kept the lights on in Grindhouse theaters. So good that I literally sat through two hours of deleted scenes simply because I didn't want to stop watching.
8. Up in the Air
George Clooney puts in the performance of his career. Anna Kendrick shows that she's got serious promise. Vera Farmiga has never been sexier. And Jason Reitman proves that the swell direction of Juno was not a fluke. This is a seriously adult film for seriously adult people. Existential angst was never this well framed, and whomever shot all the suitcase inserts deserves a special Oscar.
9. Up
Oh, dear Lord, how those first ten minutes make me cry. Have you ever cried wearing 3-D sunglasses? Makes the whole "double image" effect pretty worthless. And speaking of said effect, let it be known that Pixar is the first film company to show that 3-D can enhance a story with subtle depth without having to over stimulate the viewer or shout "look at me, I'm in 3-D!" If only anybody followed their move.
10. Moon
Sam Rockwell will eternally be one of the most underrated performers ever. And this sci-fi stunner from David Bowie's son (no shit) is brilliant. Imagine if 2001 moved at a decent pace and bristled with corporate intrigue. That would be this movie.
11. Capitalism: A Love Story
Remember all that crap about "changing the audience's mind?" Yeah, that explains this movie too. I was a pretty dead-set anarcho-capitalist when this film started. An hour later and I was apologizing for my wrongheaded ways. Stunning.
12. Anvil: The Story of Anvil!
If you don't believe in music the way some people believe in religion, this should do the trick. And if it doesn't, fuck you.
13. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Apparently Wes Anderson directed this film almost entirely through his iPhone. If that's true, then we must start telling all stop-motion filmmakers to get iPhones stat.
14. Where the Wild Things Are
It's a film that makes you remember the beauty of being a kid and it's a film that makes you hate the fact that you have to age and mature. Spike Jonze took thirty-seven pages of a children's book and made a vibrant tribute to the child at heart.
15. Inglourious Basterds
Not my favorite Tarantino film (that would be Jackie Brown), not my favorite Brad Pitt performance (that would be Burn After Reading), but still one of the unique masterpieces of postmodern cinema. And Mélanie Laurent being robbed of an Oscar? I want to take every Academy member and force them to watch the restaurant scene over and over again until they go back in time and correct their mistake.
16. Star Trek
It took a franchise I didn't care about and made me desperate for a sequel. Chris Pine manages to be Shatner without acting like Shatner and Karl Urban pulls in one of the greatest supporting performances ever. I'm not surprised that it took J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof to make me care about this synergistic dinosaur, I'm just disappointed that I had to wait so long.
17. (500) Days of Summer
If you've ever been in a relationship where you are way more interested in your partner than they are in you, welcome to Hell. Maybe it's because this has been my experience that this film resonated so well, but it's a minor classic in the making.
18. Black Dynamite
The best satire in years. I want so badly to turn this movie into a television show that I'm considering tattooing my interest on my forehead. About thirty minutes into the film, the boom mike drops into frame... and stays there for about two minutes, bobbing against afro after afro. If that doesn't hit your pleasure center, you're on the wrong blog.
19. Bruno
Better than Borat. By far. Also much more offensive and really, really gay. To say that I'm shocked that it tanked is totally dishonest. But I honestly believe that its commercial failure proved to me that movies like this must continue to be made until the public pulls their collective heads out of their collective asses.
20. In the Loop
Anna Chlumsky, the little girl from My Girl, has grown up and turned totally hot. But as great as this knowledge is, it's the least awesome aspect of this movie. Based on a wonderful BBC sitcom (one that Mitch Hurwitz has tried and failed to bring to an American network), it manages to weave devastating political satire around the most inconsequential of events.
21. World’s Greatest Dad
About 5 years ago, I partially finished a story for a future teleplay that is, almost beat for beat, identical to this film. Watch the movie first, then condemn me to Hell.
This is technically cheating, as the films featured were released in 1995 and 1999 respectively, but these films were also the best movies released in those years and it was an honor to sit in a theater and watch Pixar magic in digital 3D for three hours. Have you ever seen a crowded theater of children shut up for 180 minutes? I have, and it was awesome.
2. Tyson
The mark of a truly great documentary is its ability to change the viewer's mind regarding a huge subject. I now look at Mike Tyson as a human being. That makes it go from documentary to Important Film.
3. A Serious Man
I'm still not sure that I understand most of this film, but I feel that it gets better every time I think about it. And God bless the Coen Brothers for that.
4. Avatar (IMAX 3-D)
I'm not going to justify the creative worthiness of this film, simply because Crystal ripped to shreds in less than three sentences and I really can't disagree. However, seeing this in IMAX 3-D was easily the most immersive filmgoing experience I've had outside of a theme park. The only shows that topped it were Terminator 2 3D and Jim Henson's Muppet*Vision 3D. And those shows include animatronics, shaking seats, and hundreds of blank rounds. Pandora is a place I want to visit every time I buy a ticket, but it's not a trip I could stand without the added stimulation. When it filled my entire field of vision with technicolor digital magic, it was amazing, but it's a feeling that cannot be duplicated.
5. District 9
Easily the most original summer movie ever. How something this intelligent and thought-provoking and awe-inspiring ever made $100 million, I'll never understand. How it got a Best Picture nomination is equally bewildering. This is the perfect example of turning commerce into art and vice versa.
6. Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
If District 9 wasn't the best directorial debut of the year, this would be. John Krasinski managed to turn a difficult David Foster Wallace (R.I.P.) novel into a stunner of a dramedy. Dominic Cooper puts in the best supporting performance of the year and Mr. Krasinski's five-minute closing monologue is something to treasure. A real find. Although it's fictional, Wallace's words best sum up the experience: "The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you."
7. Not Quite Hollywood
Two crazy hours of actual Australian fringe cinema from the '60s, '70s and '80s with commentary from Quentin Tarantino and the dozens of mad men who kept the lights on in Grindhouse theaters. So good that I literally sat through two hours of deleted scenes simply because I didn't want to stop watching.
8. Up in the Air
George Clooney puts in the performance of his career. Anna Kendrick shows that she's got serious promise. Vera Farmiga has never been sexier. And Jason Reitman proves that the swell direction of Juno was not a fluke. This is a seriously adult film for seriously adult people. Existential angst was never this well framed, and whomever shot all the suitcase inserts deserves a special Oscar.
9. Up
Oh, dear Lord, how those first ten minutes make me cry. Have you ever cried wearing 3-D sunglasses? Makes the whole "double image" effect pretty worthless. And speaking of said effect, let it be known that Pixar is the first film company to show that 3-D can enhance a story with subtle depth without having to over stimulate the viewer or shout "look at me, I'm in 3-D!" If only anybody followed their move.
10. Moon
Sam Rockwell will eternally be one of the most underrated performers ever. And this sci-fi stunner from David Bowie's son (no shit) is brilliant. Imagine if 2001 moved at a decent pace and bristled with corporate intrigue. That would be this movie.
11. Capitalism: A Love Story
Remember all that crap about "changing the audience's mind?" Yeah, that explains this movie too. I was a pretty dead-set anarcho-capitalist when this film started. An hour later and I was apologizing for my wrongheaded ways. Stunning.
12. Anvil: The Story of Anvil!
If you don't believe in music the way some people believe in religion, this should do the trick. And if it doesn't, fuck you.
13. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Apparently Wes Anderson directed this film almost entirely through his iPhone. If that's true, then we must start telling all stop-motion filmmakers to get iPhones stat.
14. Where the Wild Things Are
It's a film that makes you remember the beauty of being a kid and it's a film that makes you hate the fact that you have to age and mature. Spike Jonze took thirty-seven pages of a children's book and made a vibrant tribute to the child at heart.
15. Inglourious Basterds
Not my favorite Tarantino film (that would be Jackie Brown), not my favorite Brad Pitt performance (that would be Burn After Reading), but still one of the unique masterpieces of postmodern cinema. And Mélanie Laurent being robbed of an Oscar? I want to take every Academy member and force them to watch the restaurant scene over and over again until they go back in time and correct their mistake.
16. Star Trek
It took a franchise I didn't care about and made me desperate for a sequel. Chris Pine manages to be Shatner without acting like Shatner and Karl Urban pulls in one of the greatest supporting performances ever. I'm not surprised that it took J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof to make me care about this synergistic dinosaur, I'm just disappointed that I had to wait so long.
17. (500) Days of Summer
If you've ever been in a relationship where you are way more interested in your partner than they are in you, welcome to Hell. Maybe it's because this has been my experience that this film resonated so well, but it's a minor classic in the making.
18. Black Dynamite
The best satire in years. I want so badly to turn this movie into a television show that I'm considering tattooing my interest on my forehead. About thirty minutes into the film, the boom mike drops into frame... and stays there for about two minutes, bobbing against afro after afro. If that doesn't hit your pleasure center, you're on the wrong blog.
19. Bruno
Better than Borat. By far. Also much more offensive and really, really gay. To say that I'm shocked that it tanked is totally dishonest. But I honestly believe that its commercial failure proved to me that movies like this must continue to be made until the public pulls their collective heads out of their collective asses.
20. In the Loop
Anna Chlumsky, the little girl from My Girl, has grown up and turned totally hot. But as great as this knowledge is, it's the least awesome aspect of this movie. Based on a wonderful BBC sitcom (one that Mitch Hurwitz has tried and failed to bring to an American network), it manages to weave devastating political satire around the most inconsequential of events.
21. World’s Greatest Dad
About 5 years ago, I partially finished a story for a future teleplay that is, almost beat for beat, identical to this film. Watch the movie first, then condemn me to Hell.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Don't Like the Word "Fuck"? Tough Shit.
Sunday should bring my (at last) Best of 2009 Film List.
Today, however, is a much more selfish entry.
We all know that Lost is ending and we all know that I'm all sad about that. So I've decided to simply dictate what I need to learn by the time the series finale airs. If one of these questions go unanswered, I will picket the ABC television network unless Modern Family is on or I have a disc of Castle.
1. What the fuck is up with Richard Alpert? He can't age. Why? Jacob made him that way. Why?
2. What the fuck is up with the smoke monster (a.k.a. Old Smokey/UnLocke)? It can't travel vertically. Why? It can only take the form of one dead body, but managed to impersonate both Eko's brother and Jack's dad. Why? Ben can summon it, but doesn't know what it is. Why? (Real) Locke said it was the "eye of the Island" and was "beautiful." Why?
3. What the fuck is the Island? It can travel certain people forward or backward in time. Why? It can disappear into thin air. Why? Said travel requires a donkey wheel that Ben knows how to implement. Why? Certain people cannot be killed (even if they aren't candidates). Why?
4. Who the fuck is Jacob? He can mystically travel around the world and speak any language. Why? He is omnipresent, yet easily murderable (new word). Why? He's really nice, but doesn't seem to actually tell people to look out for the Man in Black. Why?
5. What the fuck is up with Hydra Island? It may be different than Island Classic. Why? Traveling between islands is no big deal. Why? There's no smoke monster or hydrogen bombs, but everyone stays on Island Classic. Why?
6. What the fuck are The Rules? Desmond can circumvent them. Why? Drs. Chang and Faraday know how time travel works yet openly screw with the Rules. Why? Ben was told he could never return, yet just last Tuesday he was digging his own grave on the beach. Why?
7. What the fuck is up with the Flash Sideways? Some people seem to be better off without the Island, while others don't. Why? Two timelines are running concurrently. Why?
There are others: what's up with DHARMA, what are Walt's powers, what's up with Libby, who is Illana, how does Eloise Hawking exist on theoretical planes, who made the Island, why do only a few 815 survivors experience supernatural events before the crash, yada yada yada.
Today, however, is a much more selfish entry.
We all know that Lost is ending and we all know that I'm all sad about that. So I've decided to simply dictate what I need to learn by the time the series finale airs. If one of these questions go unanswered, I will picket the ABC television network unless Modern Family is on or I have a disc of Castle.
1. What the fuck is up with Richard Alpert? He can't age. Why? Jacob made him that way. Why?
2. What the fuck is up with the smoke monster (a.k.a. Old Smokey/UnLocke)? It can't travel vertically. Why? It can only take the form of one dead body, but managed to impersonate both Eko's brother and Jack's dad. Why? Ben can summon it, but doesn't know what it is. Why? (Real) Locke said it was the "eye of the Island" and was "beautiful." Why?
3. What the fuck is the Island? It can travel certain people forward or backward in time. Why? It can disappear into thin air. Why? Said travel requires a donkey wheel that Ben knows how to implement. Why? Certain people cannot be killed (even if they aren't candidates). Why?
4. Who the fuck is Jacob? He can mystically travel around the world and speak any language. Why? He is omnipresent, yet easily murderable (new word). Why? He's really nice, but doesn't seem to actually tell people to look out for the Man in Black. Why?
5. What the fuck is up with Hydra Island? It may be different than Island Classic. Why? Traveling between islands is no big deal. Why? There's no smoke monster or hydrogen bombs, but everyone stays on Island Classic. Why?
6. What the fuck are The Rules? Desmond can circumvent them. Why? Drs. Chang and Faraday know how time travel works yet openly screw with the Rules. Why? Ben was told he could never return, yet just last Tuesday he was digging his own grave on the beach. Why?
7. What the fuck is up with the Flash Sideways? Some people seem to be better off without the Island, while others don't. Why? Two timelines are running concurrently. Why?
There are others: what's up with DHARMA, what are Walt's powers, what's up with Libby, who is Illana, how does Eloise Hawking exist on theoretical planes, who made the Island, why do only a few 815 survivors experience supernatural events before the crash, yada yada yada.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
2009 TV - Hourlongs
10. Fringe
I didn’t like the pilot. Hell, I didn’t like the show until episode 1.18 (ironically written and directed by Akiva Goldsman, who has written and produced so many shitty movies that I feel like kicking him in the balls right now), but once the show started focusing on an alternate reality, I was sucked in. Maybe it’s because I’m a whore for severe science-fiction concepts (time travel and malevolent artificial intelligence also make the list, just in case Jeff Pinkner is reading), but there’s some good stuff here. It can be, from time to time, too episodic and lacking in character development (aside from Walter, who seems to change from scene to scene), but when it’s clicking, it’s clicking. I’m much more surprised than you that it made the list.
9. 24
It wasn’t the most consistent season (that would be Season Five) it didn’t have the best episodes (that was Season Three), but goddammit, it wasn’t Season Six. That’s something to be thankful for. Tony Almeida went evil, Renee Walker became the sexiest FBI agent since Dana Scully, Kim Bauer managed to be the smartest kidnapping victim alive, and the dearly departed Bill Buchanan managed to secure a silent clock twelve minutes into an episode. It’s amazing that an action show managed to execute a suspenseful seventh season, given how fast most shows in this genre burn out quick. I still cannot forgive the lack of a resolution to the Alan Wilson arc, but I’m still glad this show made the list this year.
8. Battlestar Galactica
Starbuck is an angel. Baltar and Six are angels (demons?). Hera is Mitochondrial Eve. Gaeta and Zarek get assassinated. Ellen Tigh is the final Cylon. As with most of the episodes in Season Two and the middle of Season Three through the middle of Season Four, Battlestar managed to remain utterly puzzling and incoherent at times whilst offering hours of such palpable tension that they feel like they last for mere minutes. I still only get about 45% of this show, but that 45% is so good that I really don’t care.
7. Big Love
Season One was overly earnest and pretty boring. Season Two was less so, but still not my kind of television. So imagine my surprise when I’m watching episode 3.04 and I forget all of these complaints. The writing in Season Three became more self-assured, avoiding the occasional mock religious self-parody that plagued earlier episodes. When Bill Paxton and Jeanne Tripplehorn discuss the vital need for progeny to serve in the Kingdom of Heaven, I’m no longer snickering. I’m taking it just as seriously as they are. Add a potential Indian/Mormon casino and you have some damn fine television. And that road trip episode? Most HBO shows aren’t that good 85% of the time. And when I take HBO to task, you’ll know that I mean it.
6. Kings
Oh, how I miss you, my poor, misunderstood Kings. HBO decides to make a rare bad decision and cancel Deadwood before David Milch’s last season and NBC made a rare good decision by immediately casting Ian McShane in a show with dialogue so flowery it feels genuinely Milchian. Yeah, it’s a modern, sci-fi interpretation of the Biblical story of David, but only much more interesting than anything in that Book of Snoozes. Add Dylan Baker and, my Lord, Brian Cox into the matter and you have me pleased as a pig in shit. I could listen to the Shakespearean verses by McShane for years, which is probably why I only got 13 episodes. It wasn’t perfect and sometimes defied logic, but it made me feel smarter.
5. Damages
“When I am through with you/There won’t be anything left!” It has the best theme song on television, and is easily the best cable show that isn’t on AMC, and Season Two was glorious. They managed to retain Ted Danson and employ William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden and Timothy Olyphant, further solidifying one of the most resplendent casts on television. Damages is the rare show that begins every season with its final scene yet manages to avoid predictability. I know that I can’t do that, and you can’t either. For that reason alone, it earns its place on this list.
4. Dollhouse
What? A Joss Whedon show cleaning up in a RyBob year-end review? Shocking! But mock irony aside, it actually is shocking. The Bard’s most recent creation sucked for about five episodes (one of which was directed by Whedon and one of which was written by Tim Minear, so you know I’m not fucking around), but once “Man on the Street” hit, I wanted five seasons worth of DVD’s instantly. Fox’s decision to not air “Epitaph One” was completely foolhardy, as it managed to be the single best episode of television that I have seen since “Casino Night.” Brilliant and scary in ways that only Whedon can do, it set the tone for a mostly flawless sophomore effort, one that managed to make the who prostitution angle less icky (not much, but a little) and deliver whallop after whallop. Sierra’s flashback episode, featuring the chilling scene between Topher, Boyd, and a hacksaw? Genius. The episode in which we visit the Attic and essentially see what’s happening behind the giant Dollhouse windows in 2020? Among the most brilliant science-fiction forays since the Island moved. Plus, the best line of dialogue this year: “What year is it?” “2010. I think. It depends how long we’ve been off the air.” Of course, I’m writing this hours before watching the series finale, but if it delivers what I’m hoping it delivers, you’ll see Dollhouse in this same position next year.
3. Lost
Like I said earlier, the Island moved. In time. In space. All sorts of ways. We got to see how Benjamin Linus summons the smoke monster. We got to meet Jacob for the first time in the corporeal sense, a revelation that actually proves there was some plan. We got to see the hidden origin of Miles Straume, my favorite character. We got the Lampost. We learn how Dr. Pierre Chang lost the arm (let’s just say that the good doctor has something in common with Bennett Halvorson. The show also managed to, for the first time, make the off-Island events as compelling as the events in Dharma Central, especially when the narrative split. The final season premieres in mere days and I couldn’t be more giggly-fanboy excited. Namaste.
2. Mad Men
Matthew Weiner is, by now, a certifiable genius. As wonderful as his work on The Sopranos was, I rarely look forward to something more than a Mad Men episode with his name attached to it. Season Three brought us the brutal ennui of Betty Draper, the last stand of Salvatore Romano, the introduction of the British Brigade (namely Lane Pryce) and the serendipitous collapse of Sterling Cooper. Along the way there was a wayward John Deere tractor, Peggy uttering the line “my name is Peggy Olson and I’d like to smoke some marijuana,” the brief reappearance of Duck Phillips, and a season finale that redefined dramatic television. When a show manages to create its finest hour by imagining a wedding ceremony in the wake of Kennedy’s assassination and manages to top it a mere seven days later, there’s magic in it.
1. Breaking Bad
As much as I loved Season One (and trust me, I loved it), there was no more compelling mystery this year than the two dead bodies in the White compound. Add Aaron Paul’s increasingly empathetic junkie, the brilliance that is Bryan Cranston, another genius supporting role by Bob Odenkirk, the speech about water on Mars… you name it, I was enthralled by it. It’s hard to evaluate this show without uttering the word “genius” over and over again, so I won’t bother. If you weren’t wondering what the teddy bear was doing in the pool, shame on you.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Best of 2009 - Television
Ah, 2009. A great year (I know, I too think it’s weird that I enjoyed it as much as I did), and a great year for television.
The family finally started paying for HBO, changed to digital cable (offering many cable favorites in High Definition for the first time), and purchased a genuine 1080p television. Usually I do the Top 35 shows of the year, but I’m tired and it’s not fair to compare half-hours to hourlongs. Instead, I offer two Top 10 lists. Some important honorable mentions will be posted when time permits.
Half-Hours
10. The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle
Thank God for DVD. This six-episode BBC masterpiece manages to be an anglicized version of The Larry Sanders Show and one of the most nuanced psychological character studies in television history, much less in a comedy. You would think that a humorless social scientist’s fruitless efforts to humanize the enfant terrible head honcho of a trashy talk show would have an effect akin to some over baked independent film, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not even sure if a second series was ordered, but if it wasn’t… for shame, BBC. For shame.
9. The Spectacular Spider-Man
Action on television has always been dubious and shoddy, especially in the field of animation. Let’s face it. Name any cartoon series since the invention of the cathode ray tube that actually vibrated with electric excitement. Something that has a palpable thrill to it. I never thought that I could be swayed to the end of my seat by an animated “spider-man” battling a “sand-man” in a subway, especially when I know that neither party is headed toward their doom, but it happened. Color me impressed.
8. Modern Family
If Rico Rodriguez II doesn’t become the next Michael Cera by the time he turns 18, I’ll eat my hat. Seriously. For years I mistakenly believed that 30 Rock is the heir apparent to Arrested Development (certain elements lead me to believe that that program is more in tuned with The Simpsons), but if another show had to take its place, we could do a whole lot worse than Modern Family. It’s the rare show where people are allowed to be flawed and terrible to each other without actually making the characters unlikable. It’s also rare that the sight of a gruff no-shit grandpa intentionally flying a miniature motorized airplane into the face of his clueless and naïve son-on-law manages to make you feel empathy for both parties involved, and that’s a skill that Modern Family has in spades.
7. How I Met Your Mother
I didn’t become a fan until the tail end of Season Three, and the canned laughter still drives me absolutely fucking bananas, but I couldn’t be happier that this show was allowed to grow and mature at the pace it has. It’s also hard to believe that I excitedly tune in every week, even though I couldn’t care less who the mother is. The show has blossomed into a more impressive version of the Golden Age of Friends, and if it lasts until 2030, I won’t complain.
6. 30 Rock
The current fourth season has faltered somewhat (especially after three phenomenal seasons that managed to improve upon themselves exponentially), but it’s still a blast to hear every word out of Tracy Morgan’s mouth and savor every single second of Dr. Leo Spaceman’s screen time. The laugh-per-minute ratio can, at times, rival Airplane! and the middle seasons of South Park (the golden examples of meta jabber), and that’s why it’s still on this list. I would normally end with some desperate gag about Tina Fey’s desirability, but I’d be beating a dead horse.
5. The Office
A certain BFF stopped watching this show regularly, and when I found out I was crestfallen. The frustrating fourth season was redeemed with a fifth season that boasted a JAM engagement and the brilliant machinations of the Michael Scott Paper Company. Its sixth season, however? Better than the show has been since “Branch Closing.” Newlywed Jim Halpert has managed to evolve from a man with no ambitions other than gazing at his former receptionist lady love and making his psychotic desk mate miserable into a man devoted to upward mobility, financial security, and the wellbeing of his company. This shift in character represents a maturity that eludes most shows in their third seasons, much less their sixth. The show can fall to some really weird depths (“Mafia” is, joke for joke, one of the funniest episodes of television I’ve ever seen and, paradoxically, joke for joke completely wrong for the show in terms of realism), but this is still a show that made me cry over a clip show. A clip show! Sure, they used Travis’ “Sing” to great effect, but every time I think of the Maid of the Mist end to “Niagara,” I get a little verklempt.
4. Community
A half-baked pilot featuring a cast full of one-dimensional characters has blossomed into a completely unpredictable half-hour that tends to redefine the term “meta.” Sure, I get all goo-goo eyed over Alison Brie, but my future wife aside, this show boasts an ensemble that is completely inseparable. Remove one single element and the franchise would collapse. I never thought I could find present-day Chevy Chase humorous, or witness a fully rounded, perfectly calibrated Ken Jeong character, but this show never fails to surprise me. Let’s also not forget the fact that the Russo Brothers have returned to television for the first time since the first season of Arrested Development, which is money in the bank, seeing as how there are Russo fingerprints on practically every episode.
3. Weeds
How did this happen? Usually, when a series implodes and decides to go in a different direction (like Jenji Kohan et al did in Season Four), crappiness is sure to follow. But by allowing the human black widow known as Nancy Botwin to shack up with a corrupt, gunrunning Mexican politician, I’m looking more and more forward to having no idea where this show is going. I love that every season manages to throw a corkscrew that defies logic yet never feels out of place, a talent that tends to make me flat out jealous. Also, the five-month jump from Nancy considering leaving Esteban to the Grizzly Adams version of Andy, General Lee and all, was one of the best storytelling decisions I have seen on television since the first flash-forward on Lost.
2. The Venture Bros.
Adult Swim caters to stoners. Why else would they air The Mighty Boosh at 2 A.M. or make a film based on Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Yet, they managed to procure the best half-hour animated comedy since the first demise of Futurama. Layered to a T and capable of offering plot twists that bruise like sucker punches, this is no cartoon. There are stakes in this universe, and every word out of every character’s mouth has some significance in the grand scheme of popular culture. Did I manage to mention that the show also happens to be goddamn hilarious? Any show that manages to recast the grunts of G.I. Joe into former-homosexual-born-again-Christian warriors of justice with codenames like Shore Leave deserves a sloppy kiss.
1. Parks and Recreation
I know what you’re thinking. “I didn’t much care for that pilot, or the five episodes that followed.” If only you had any idea what you’re missing. Aubrey Plaza, my future second wife, manages to say more with a pouty scowl than most actors can accomplish with a monologue. Amy Poehler has allowed Leslie Knope to blossom into a character that resembles Michael Scott only in the way that any well-meaning yet disastrous characters resemble Michael Scott, and proves every week that this is much more than The Office 2.0. When Leslie stumbles, I feel her pain and frustration without being unable to laugh at the scenarios she finds herself stranded in. The shenanigans in Pawnee, Illinois manage to be overly broad and silly without becoming frustrating, layered with dialogue and deadpan performances that harkens back to the screwball comedy classics of the ‘40s. If you went back and digitally replaced the Marx Brothers in Duck Soup with Leslie, Tom, April and Andy, nothing would seem out of the ordinary. This is the perfect example of a show that was born out of greed and corporate tinkering and managed to become the most striking can't-miss comedy series on television. As long as it remains on the path it’s on, I know where I’ll be on Thursdays at 8:30.
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