Fuck You, Emmys! Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Emmys

If this starts to read like Crystal's already perfect take on the 2010 Emmy Awards, then go read that instead, 'cause it's only downhill from here. Plus, I stole the basic overlay from her. Alright, Ryan, breathe. You've done this before. Not particularly well, but you did it. Here we go...

Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad
Dexter
The Good Wife
Lost
Mad Men
True Blood

Okay, Mad Men won for the third year in a row. That was entirely expected, almost like predicting that the old guys in the balcony seats on The Muppet Show will say something savagely witty and inappropriate. I personally believe that once you win an award, that's it. None more awarding. But since Mad Men had its best season (until this season, but saying that about Mad Men gets more redundant every week), it's okay. I vastly prefer Breaking Bad, simply because it allows you to root for a man after he has run over a man and, seconds later, shot another point blank in the face without a single reservation. However, since Damages was not included (and neither was Justfied... so Emmy voters will nominate shit like The Good Wife and pass over FX? Shame on you, faceless masses!), I was rooting for Lost. It wasn't a perfect season (I agree with everyone who complained about Richard Alpert's flashback and almost everything about "Across the Sea," but I will defend the flash-sideways universe until I die), but the finale made me cry. Seriously. That's enough for me. Sure, it's not hard to make me cry. Insulting my mother is one way, calling me a "doody-face" is another. But I was so moved that for weeks afterward I could do nothing but get venomous against anyone who besmirched all two-and-a-half hours of it. Also, True Blood? Seriously? I'm fucking addicted to it, but that doesn't make it good, just TV crack without the teeth rotting. Just ask a meth-head to justify their behavior and you'll see what I mean.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Glee
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie
The Office

First of all, Weeds had its best season last year, Community was totally robbed, and Parks and Recreation is my favorite comedy since Season Two of The Office, but we work with what we have. So, why did Modern Family win? Honestly, it's a wonderful show with much to love, but if we're discussing what the best thing is on a disappointing list, 30 Rock comes out in full force. Glee is there because 25% of America turned gay for thirteen weeks and then got gayer four months later. Nurse Jackie is there because... shit, I have no idea why Nurse Jackie was nominated. It's not unwatchable but not particularly stimulating either. Maybe the Academy just wanted to show their sensitivity for the "special" shows that cable networks renew just to be quirky. But this isn't the Humanitas Awards. The Office? Still a great show but far from its peak. I haven't seen Curb in three years, mainly because it was becoming HBO-stale, which, despite being better than ABC-stale, is just embarassing. In short, 30 Rock should have taken its fourth statue, but only because these nominees totally suck.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Bryan Cranston as "Walt White," Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall as "Dexter Morgan," Dexter
Kyle Chandler as "Eric Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Hugh Laurie as "Dr. Gregory House," House
Matthew Fox as "Jack Shephard," Lost
Jon Hamm as "Don Draper," Mad Men

I love Bryan Cranston, but c'mon! I don't know how Jon Hamm has convincingly done the "oh, I'm so proud of you I WISH I COULD BE YOU NO I DON'T YES I DO no, but honestly, you're fantastic" clap upon hearing Cranston's name for the past two years. He is so damn smooth as Don Draper that I wouldn't hesitate to fuck him. And understated somehow doesn't equal Emmy gold very often. Ask that bastard Tony Shalhoub (as someone with severe O.C.D., I have to say that I'm overjoyed at Monk's cancelation). Seriously, his monologue to Elisabeth Moss in the third act of "Shut the Door. Have a Seat" is one of the most electric and moving moments of television history, and the best part is that Hamm chose to play it as if the speech may have been complete bullshit if you analyze it to a certain degree. It was nice to see Kyle Chandler finally get rewarded for being half of the most realistic married couple since the development of the cathode-ray tube, but seeing Hugh Laurie after Cranston's name was announced was sad. He seemed to acknowledge that he deserves the award for six years of hard work, if not this particular year. And since the show has very little shelf life left, maybe we should sneak into Cranston's trailer next season and just Sharpee Hugh's name on it. Just for shits and giggles.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin as "Jack Donaghy," 30 Rock
Jim Parsons as "Sheldon Cooper," The Big Bang Theory
Larry David as "Himself," Curb Your Enthusiasm
Matthew Morrison as "Will Schuester," Glee
Tony Shalhoub as "Adrian Monk," Monk
Steve Carell as "Michael Scott," The Office

Can we say "hell yes"? Jim Parsons has made The Big Bang Theory evolve from a show with one great performance and Two and a Half Men-level writing to one of the most effortless ensembles on television with enough built-in charisma to make the dumbest nerd joke resonate. He anchors the show, so even when the other characters drift into cliche, Parsons manages to make his hilarious Asperger's twitches all the more fresh. Bazinga. Also, to echo Crystal: how the hell did Matthew Morrison get nominated? Did he do a live version of "The Thong Song" for all the more seedy Emmy voters? And, if you think I've done enough Glee bashing, prepare for some more. Of the Glee bashing.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Kyra Sedgwick as "Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson," The Closer
Glenn Close as "Patty Hewes," Damages
Connie Britton as "Tami Taylor," Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies as "Alicia Florrick," The Good Wife
Mariska Hargitay as "Detective Olivia Benson," Law & Order: SVU
January Jones as "Betty Draper," Mad Men

I don't watch The Closer because I have better things to do whenever it's on, even if it's the only thing to watch on the face of the earth. I don't watch The Good Wife because I can tell between good and shit. I don't watch SVU because I like shows that don't reboot at the end of every episode. And then there was the woman they call January. She is absolutely flawless as Betty Draper (and not so great at everything else, as her SNL episode leads me to believe) that I'm sure she's so method that she's miserable every day of her entire life. That pent up frustration that could spontaneously light every cigarette she puffs throughout any episode is too damn good to be mere acting. This, of course, is why she lost to Kevin Bacon's wife. Emmy voters can't handle someone so real. Also, Connie Britton is the perfect mother (I would know, as I have one almost as good), but she had no chance in hell.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Tina Fey as "Liz Lemon," 30 Rock
Lea Michele as "Rachel Berry," Glee
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as "Christine Campbell," The New Adventures of Old Christine
Edie Falco as "Jackie Peyton," Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as "Leslie Knope," Parks and Recreation
Toni Collette as "Tara Gregson," United States of Tara

When Fallon enlisted Amy Poehler to help him introduce Comedy, all I could focus on were pregnancy boobs in a beautiful blue dress. And when those beautiful pregnancy boobs in that beautiful blue dress didn't ascend the stairs during this collection of nominees like God intended, I was upset. When Edie Falco's name was called, all I could think was "Wow. The Sopranos is still on? What is it, like Season Twelve by now?" Seriously, though, Leslie Knope was one of the greater comedic creations of 2009-2010, and the ever-versatile Poehler better have some trophy in her future. Even if it has to be a crummy Grammy. It's a shame that Mary-Louise Parker wasn't nominated for her "smoking and sushi" episode of Weeds alone, but hopefully the bigges, most expressive eyes in Hollywood will make a comeback next year. I honestly think that when they made that old Tootsie Pop commercial with the owl instructing some random kid how many licks it takes to get to the center, they based the owl's eyes on Parker's, then added glasses.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Aaron Paul as "Jesse Pinkman," Breaking Bad
Martin Short as "Leonard Winstone," Damages
Terry O'Quinn as "John Locke," Lost
Michael Emerson as "Ben Linus," Lost
John Slattery as "Roger Sterling," Mad Men
Andre Braugher as "Owen," Men of a Certain Age

Completely deserved. Last season. This year, I was rooting for Martin Short, who managed to make me forgive some of his more ultra-hyperactive and mug-worthy performances (Arrested Development comes to mind, as does his early-'80s post-SCTV period) by putting in a truly amazing menace in an already menace-filled season of Damages. Since this brilliant season didn't get nominated as a whole, it was at least kind enough of the Academy to include the season's best element with a possible grasp at an award. But back to Aaron Paul. His rehabilitated Jesse Pinkman for Season Three of Breaking Bad was so nuanced to the point that his attitude seemed practically tantric until the last third of the year, not that I'm complaining about subtlety. But his work on "ABQ," last season's finale, especially the scene in which the cleaners go through his apartment and leave him to explain his girlfriend's overdose to the police was too perfect. But of all the categories presented this year, this particular one has to be the one with an almost entire embarassment of riches. By having Terry O'Quinn play 'Ol Smokey (the ultimate "faceless" enemy on the Island itself) and quadriplegic John Locke simultaneously, no supporting actor got a better talent test this year. Emerson was also flawless as usual, especially when he decides to stay on the purgatory bench instead of joining his now-friends in the afterlife. John Slattery winning is about as blissful as a surprise phantom orgasm, which is why he (and every other actor from Mad Men) will never win dick. As for Andre Braugher, I'm a fan, and I appreciate that he put on twenty pounds for a fucking television show just for the sake of realism, but I didn't follow this performance past the pilot.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Chris Colfer as "Kurt Hummel," Glee
Neil Patrick Harris as "Barney Stinson," How I Met Your Mother
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as "Mitchell Pritchett," Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as "Cameron Tucker," Modern Family
Ty Burrell as "Phil Dunphy," Modern Family
Jon Cryer as "Alan Harper," Two and a Half Men

Yes, Virginia, there is no God, simply because Jon Cryer can win an Emmy over Neil Patrick Harris and then get nominated again the next year. Modern Family certainly has a wonderful ensemble cast, but the strongest member of that cast (Rico Rodriguez II) may be too young to be nominated at ten-years-old. And of all the nominated Family members (like what I did there? I'm so damn clever), my vote goes for Ty Burrell, who can sell the line "fix that step later" twenty-three episodes in a row without getting tired, and, also, for the ceremonies he dressed up like Pee-wee Herman. His being the film version of Doc Samson has nothing to do with my pick, I swear. And then there's Chris Colfer. I can deal with Glee for ten minutes at a time (it's either the occasional Auto-Tune is sickening or the endless "we're so edgy by sexualizing teenagers and making every adult a buffoon" walk cycle), but if the show was just Chris Colfer as Kurt and Mike O'Malley as his father without the extra cast trimmings (except Jane Lynch, who is a genius, and Jayma Mays and Lea Michele, who are hot), that would be appointment television.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Sharon Gless as "Madeline Westen," Burn Notice
Rose Byrne as "Ellen Parsons," Damages
Archie Panjabi as "Kalinda Sharma," The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as "Diane Lockhart," The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks as "Joan Harris," Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss as "Peggy Olson," Mad Men

What? Elisabeth Moss was passed over, despite being responsible for one of the most intriguing, layered, and unpredictable female roles in the history of television? Even though last season included the line "My name is Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana"? Hendricks was also superb last year, with her midseason breakdown and her brilliant, clipped delivery in the season finale (although in order to be transcendently superb, it requires superb writing beneath). Rose Byrne is a fine actress, although I grow restless if the two female leads spend too much screentime without any other chracters, but it also seems like her acceptance by the Academy is a pity nomination, as there aren't a shitload of decent characters for women in the television industry; never have been. They could have at least nominated Dexter's hot sister instead of someone from a CBS show that benefits only from not being as horrible as everything else on CBS.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski as "Jenna Maroney," 30 Rock
Jane Lynch as "Sue Sylvester," Glee
Julie Bowen as "Claire Dunphy," Modern Family
Sofia Vergara as "Gloria Delgado-Pritchett," Modern Family
Kristen Wiig as "Various Characters," Saturday Night Live
Holland Taylor as "Evelyn Harper," Two and a Half Men

Jane Lynch was nominated for an award? I don't care if she guest starred on The Closer. You give her that goddamn award and a doozy of a bearhug. Woman has deserved it since she stepped onscreen in Best in Show.

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Friday Night Lights, "The Son," Written by Rolin Jones
The Good Wife, "Pilot," Written by Michelle King and Robert King
Lost, "The End," Written by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Written by Robin Veith and Matthew Weiner
Mad Men, "Shut the Door. Have a Seat." Written by Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy

Okay, I'm torn. Friday Night Lights gets a nomination for writing, which shows that people finally understand that even though the show boasts an ensemble that elevates some bad plot decisions (ding dong, Season Two murdered rapist ringing!), the writers are still in charge of moving the characters in the right direction. Other than that, it's a tie between "The End," which I've already praised indirectly, and "Shut the Door. Have a Seat.", which I praised directly. I'll give it to Mad Men, just because of the whole cork situation. If you know what I'm talking about and understand what I mean, "God" bless your little "soul."

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "Anna Howard Shaw Day," Written by Matt Hubbard
30 Rock, "Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter," Written by Tina Fey and Kay Cannon
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Written by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan
Modern Family, "Pilot," Written by Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd
The Office, "Niagara," Written by Greg Daniels and Mindy Kaling

Well, when you have a category where Greg Garcia can win for the pilot of My Name Is Earl, you know for sure that you're in a class where quality is debatable, and those doing the debating are mentallly retarded. But Glee aside, this isn't a bad selection. Modern Family had many better episodes than the pilot (which didn't actually take off for me until the third act, in which we learn that all three families are connected), and I would have preferred "My Funky Valentine" (Edward Norton as the former bassist from Spandau Ballet was quite a treat, as it was the first re-teaming of Bruce Banner and Doc Samson--which, yet again, I swear was not a factor in my praise of Ty Burrell earlier). "Niagara" for me was more of a Best Directing episode (mostly everything from the wedding dance juxtaposed with the official Maid of the Mist nuptials), so I'll give Paul Feig more props than Daniels and Kaling. I guess that leaves 30 Rock by itself, simply because Weeds' "Where the Sidewalk Ends" was ignored.

Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Breaking Bad, "One Minute," Directed by Michelle MacLaren
Dexter, "The Getaway," Directed by Steve Shill
Lost, "The End," Directed by Jack Bender
Mad Men, "Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency," Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter
Treme, "Do You Know What it Means (Pilot)," (Directed by Agnieszka Holland

For this, it's no question that Lost was robbed. If you didn't cheer upon each member of Oceanic Flight 815 waking up from the sideways universe, you didn't truly understand that Jack Bender is a genius. To all those who wanted J.J. to return to the show for the swan song, I say this: it's redundant, talent-wise. Breaking Bad unfortunately got nominated for the wrong episode. Rian Johnson's "Fly" was forty-four minutes of Walt and Jesse jumping around in their meth warehouse (that eerily resembled the first level of the old-school Nintendo 64 GoldenEye) chasing, well, a fly. Needless to say, it was unlike anything else on TV thus far this year, but that's probably why it wasn't nominated. Dexter winning was a surprise, but only because I gave up on the show at the start of Season Three, but I greatly respect Steve Shill and now feel it necessary to at least catch up to his episode and judge for myself.

Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
30 Rock, "I Do Do," Directed by Don Scardino
Glee, "Pilot (Director's Cut)," Directed by Ryan Murphy
Glee, "Wheels," Directed by Paris Barclay
Modern Family, "Pilot," Directed by Jason Winer
Nurse Jackie, "Pilot," Directed by Allen Coulter

Glee won for directing. If anything, that's the least interesting aspect of the show, unless the director's name rhymes with "Woss Jeedon," even if his episode was meh. You can't blame him for trying and failing to do much other than make it more clear that Neil Patrick Harris is a treasure.

That's all, folks.