First of all, MacGruber is easily the funniest movie in years. If you haven't seen it (and there are millions of you fuckers), shame on you. You'll probably find it on DVD four years from now and brag to all your friends that you "discovered" it.
THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES SOME SPOILERS, MOST OF WHICH ARE NOW COMMON KNOWLEDGE. SO THERE.
Why was "The End" the best series finale since "Not Fade Away"? I have fifteen reasons.
1. _______ & Juliet
By now, most people who read this blog are aware of my lustful affection for Elizabeth Mitchell, the only woman who could pull off a busty dress underneath a drab white coat. Thus I am including her here for posterity.
2. The Flashes
Every moment in the past meant something in the Sideways. I especially love that all it took for Sayid to remember was looking into Shannon's face (I also like that her only line is "Sayid").
3. The Meaning
I love that Darlton have gone radio silent, because it allows me to ponder the spiritual significance of everything that has come before, and given that the show has never exactly been secretive in terms of its reverence for faith, it starts the search anew.
4. The Answers
There were none. Absolutely no new information aside from the end occurred in two-and-a-half hours, and last week that would have infuriated me. But after such a cathartic, heartwarming and terrifying event, I'm satisifed with everything I got. The extra mystery just gives it some extra oomph.
5. The Showdown
Has the show ever done something as deliberately badass as Jack and UnLocke's wrestling/stabbing match on the collapsing cliff? No. The answer is no.
6. The Missing
No Widmore. No Pre-UnLocke. No Jacob. This wasn't their story. They helped flesh out the universe in terms of time and motivation, but it still wasn't their story.
7. The Uncertainty
I have never been driven to silence for five straight minutes by anything, much less an episode of television. The combination of extreme euphoria and absolute mortal terror was astounding. For once, my brother and I agreed on every single detail, and once Christian showed everyone The Light, it became a spiritual moment for the viewing audience as well.
8. The Linus
Ben sitting outside on the bench was moving. Locke raising to his feet at Ben's urging and forgiving him was poignant. Ben declining Hurley's invitation into the church? My favorite moment of the entire season.
9. The End (a.k.a. They Beat Me to the Punch)
I referred to the end as terrifying for one reason: it deals in the afterlife. As you may know, I am an atheist. I have been an atheist since I could think lucidly. I will be an atheist until the day I die. But I don't want to be an atheist. I just don't. When I can't sleep at night, all I can think about is the fact that I will die and nothing will happen. Everything I've worked for will be meaningless and I will simply rot. Anytime a medium discusses death I get antsy and sad. But this ending made me feel that way and made me hopeful. And as for the writers beating me to the punch? I'll put it simply: six years ago I plotted out four whole seasons of LunchGroup X. The first detail that came to mind was the last ten minutes of the series finale. And guess what: my ten minutes are nearly identical to their ten minutes. I'm going to have to up my game if I want to survive.
10. The Island
The show has been tricking us ever since the Monster shook the trees in the Pilot. Why don't I care about long-standing Island mysteries gone unresolved? Because I realized that the DHARMA Initiative and The Rules and the Frozen Donkey Wheel are just quirks thrown into story about people who must live together under extraordinary circumstances. If you were paying proper attention, perhaps you felt it too.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
14 Reasons Why "Iron Man 2" Kicks Ass
1. The Villain
I'm not talking about Mickey Rourke. Sam Rockwell is a performer that seems to never have a bad day. Some people phone it in for the cash, but I don't think Rockwell is capable of doing so. His ass-kissing during the Senate hearing? His cocky dance at the Expo? His embarassing conversation in Monaco? Nobody does petty/pissy like Mr. Rockwell. The fact that he's alive leads me to hope he's behind the Mandarin in Iron Man 3.
2. The Ladies
Olivia Munn, Kate Mara, and Scarlett Johansson. Not bad for one movie.
3. The Nerd Factor
Do you understand the glee I experienced when, the moment following Agent Coulson's handling of Captain America's work-in-progress shield, there were twelve cheers in an empty theater and not one of them came from me? You don't? Fuck off.
4. The Paltrow
Not as yummy as last time, but she definitely made up for her Act 3 "I Forgot How to Act" business.
5. The Elder Stark
Tim Robbins was originally supposed to be Howard, not John Slattery. Brilliant move! Making Slattery into a techno-geek Walt Disney? More brilliant! Hiding the discovery of vibranium in a model of EPCOT Center? Supa-genius! Hiring the Sherman Brothers (authors of "It's a Small World!") to record a Carousel of Progress parody theme for these retro bits? I'm tired of saying brilliant. But the best aspect of the introduction of Howard? He now gets to play a pivotal role in Captain America: The First Avenger.
6. The (Other) SHIELD
"Sir, step away from the donut!" When do we get a Nick Fury movie, seriously?
7. The CNN
Last time Tony took a beating from Jim Cramer. This time? Christiane Amanpour. A step up.
8. The Man
If Tony doesn't accidentally call someone else Stan Lee next time, I may cry.
9. The Expo
It brings the Titanium-Alloy Man to New York, which means that Avengers Tower is on the rise!
10. The Senator
Garry Shandling is in this movie.
11. The Map
As pointed out by some other nerds, during the final SHIELD scene, a map of the world can be seen with a large red portion in the center of Africa. That's because Wakanda is undergoing a civil war. The Black Panther will soon come to power.
12. The Bleep
"Fuck you! Fuck you, buddy!"
13. The Suitcase
It's the closest thing we're going to get to the Extremis armor, so I'll relish it while I can.
14. The (Other) Hammer
If you didn't get goosebumps after the sound of thunder, you're a bad nerd. Thor is my least favorite Avenger, but my brother and I were almost too enraptured to motivate our legs to leave the theater.
I'm not talking about Mickey Rourke. Sam Rockwell is a performer that seems to never have a bad day. Some people phone it in for the cash, but I don't think Rockwell is capable of doing so. His ass-kissing during the Senate hearing? His cocky dance at the Expo? His embarassing conversation in Monaco? Nobody does petty/pissy like Mr. Rockwell. The fact that he's alive leads me to hope he's behind the Mandarin in Iron Man 3.
2. The Ladies
Olivia Munn, Kate Mara, and Scarlett Johansson. Not bad for one movie.
3. The Nerd Factor
Do you understand the glee I experienced when, the moment following Agent Coulson's handling of Captain America's work-in-progress shield, there were twelve cheers in an empty theater and not one of them came from me? You don't? Fuck off.
4. The Paltrow
Not as yummy as last time, but she definitely made up for her Act 3 "I Forgot How to Act" business.
5. The Elder Stark
Tim Robbins was originally supposed to be Howard, not John Slattery. Brilliant move! Making Slattery into a techno-geek Walt Disney? More brilliant! Hiding the discovery of vibranium in a model of EPCOT Center? Supa-genius! Hiring the Sherman Brothers (authors of "It's a Small World!") to record a Carousel of Progress parody theme for these retro bits? I'm tired of saying brilliant. But the best aspect of the introduction of Howard? He now gets to play a pivotal role in Captain America: The First Avenger.
6. The (Other) SHIELD
"Sir, step away from the donut!" When do we get a Nick Fury movie, seriously?
7. The CNN
Last time Tony took a beating from Jim Cramer. This time? Christiane Amanpour. A step up.
8. The Man
If Tony doesn't accidentally call someone else Stan Lee next time, I may cry.
9. The Expo
It brings the Titanium-Alloy Man to New York, which means that Avengers Tower is on the rise!
10. The Senator
Garry Shandling is in this movie.
11. The Map
As pointed out by some other nerds, during the final SHIELD scene, a map of the world can be seen with a large red portion in the center of Africa. That's because Wakanda is undergoing a civil war. The Black Panther will soon come to power.
12. The Bleep
"Fuck you! Fuck you, buddy!"
13. The Suitcase
It's the closest thing we're going to get to the Extremis armor, so I'll relish it while I can.
14. The (Other) Hammer
If you didn't get goosebumps after the sound of thunder, you're a bad nerd. Thor is my least favorite Avenger, but my brother and I were almost too enraptured to motivate our legs to leave the theater.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Disneyland Part I
This is not a blog on how my girlfriend and I immersed ourselves in the Disneyland Resort this past March. This is about all the things that are great or unknown or weird variety of things you can experience yourself. If you’re looking for a guide to Hidden Mickey spotting, Amazon has six or seven books on the subject. This is for the novice. The average person. People that probably hate Disneyland and need to throw up their hands and embrace the magic.
Let’s start in Adventureland. Did you know that this area’s former E-ticket ride, the Jungle Cruise, is the only non-Fantasyland ride to survive from Opening Day in 1955 to the present. Did you care? Me neither.
Since 1993, this particular land has housed the best Disneyland attraction ever: The Indiana Jones Adventure. The ride is so immense that, once you board your vehicle, you are actually outside the park’s berm, housed in a building that can’t even be detected by Google Earth. There’s also about a quarter mile’s worth of queue, some of the best and most atmospheric ever. Throughout the dimly-lit section of caves and temples there are dozens of phrases in a bizarre heiroglyphic language. Today it’s impossible to decipher them simply because the majority of the phrases are advertisements for AT&T, the former sponsor of the attraction. Back during the attraction’s salad days, decoder cards were handed out towards the entrance, which also features a prop Mercedes used in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are two central illusions during this attraction, both of which are ingenious.
We shall start with the first thing you actually see in the attraction: the “three” temple doors are a bluff. There is actually only one door. If you look at the track in front of you, it’s the easiest illusion to spoil, as you may notice that there is no track leading to any other door than the one you enter. The trick is elemental: three sets of doors that simply move to the left and right for each oncoming vehicle combined with lighting effects.
The second is the most impressive: the Raiders boulder. The scene is thus. Your troop transport enters a pitch-black cave with an Animatronic Indy (who neither looks nor sounds like Harrison Ford) hanging from the ceiling. As light enters the cave, you notice a giant boulder coming your way. The illusion begins when your car appears to be moving in reverse, simply because it’s not. The room is moving toward you. The giant boulder is simply attached to a stick and, with the aid of strobe lights, appears to almost strike your car. The final scene in the ride, that of Indy and the defeated boulder, is embarassing in its cheapness. As the cars enter the load/unload section, an average eye can see a giant mechanical apparatus sticking out of Indy’s back, with wires aplenty.
The Jungle Cruise is the most well-known attractions in theme park history, so I’ll only cover my favorite part of the excursion: the infamous Schweitzer Falls, of course named after Dr. Albert Falls.
The next area is New Orleans Square, the most meticulously designed pre-Toontown area. This area houses both Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, two more rides that take place off-property. Pirates was recently revamped following the shitty Bruckheimer trilogy, essentially adding a plot to one of the more influential non-linear attractions ever. The new version adds lots of dialogue involving hunting down Jack Sparrow, who barely appears in the attraction. Scenes that were once designed around environment and tone (like the drowning or the wench auction) now have random Sparrow references from very different-sounding pirates, ruining some of the best moments. Also, the attraction features a digital projection of Davy Jones, which doesn’t make sense simply because the ride itself is not supernatural. There are lots of skeletons around, but none of them move. So what the fuck is a giant squid monster doing here? Did he get lost en route to the Submarine Voyage?
The Haunted Mansion has a few cool tricks. First of all, there’s nothing inside the house. When you leave the stretching room (a complicated slowly-descending elevator with a scrim ceiling), you are underground. What’s inside the house? I’d love to find out. Also, the show building for the Mansion is actually next to the show building for Splash Mountain, so much so that the ride operators for both attractions occasionally switch rides on a whim. The outside of the attraction features a horse-drawn hearse without a horse. Some morons on the Internet claim that it was Brigham Young’s hearse, but in actuality it was purchased in 1991 as part of an Indiana Jones stunt show that never passed the development phase. The actual ghosts in the attraction are Animatronics in front of a large pane of glass. Shining light on these figures on-and-off makes them appear and disappear. In fact, any time you see ghosts that de-materialize, look very carefully, because all of these scenes will take place between a very large pane of glass. My favorite little detail? Towards the end of the graveyard scene, you will notice a large woman yodeling in a Viking uniform. What’s the explanation? According to the designing Imagineers, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
Part II on the way...
Let’s start in Adventureland. Did you know that this area’s former E-ticket ride, the Jungle Cruise, is the only non-Fantasyland ride to survive from Opening Day in 1955 to the present. Did you care? Me neither.
Since 1993, this particular land has housed the best Disneyland attraction ever: The Indiana Jones Adventure. The ride is so immense that, once you board your vehicle, you are actually outside the park’s berm, housed in a building that can’t even be detected by Google Earth. There’s also about a quarter mile’s worth of queue, some of the best and most atmospheric ever. Throughout the dimly-lit section of caves and temples there are dozens of phrases in a bizarre heiroglyphic language. Today it’s impossible to decipher them simply because the majority of the phrases are advertisements for AT&T, the former sponsor of the attraction. Back during the attraction’s salad days, decoder cards were handed out towards the entrance, which also features a prop Mercedes used in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are two central illusions during this attraction, both of which are ingenious.
We shall start with the first thing you actually see in the attraction: the “three” temple doors are a bluff. There is actually only one door. If you look at the track in front of you, it’s the easiest illusion to spoil, as you may notice that there is no track leading to any other door than the one you enter. The trick is elemental: three sets of doors that simply move to the left and right for each oncoming vehicle combined with lighting effects.
The second is the most impressive: the Raiders boulder. The scene is thus. Your troop transport enters a pitch-black cave with an Animatronic Indy (who neither looks nor sounds like Harrison Ford) hanging from the ceiling. As light enters the cave, you notice a giant boulder coming your way. The illusion begins when your car appears to be moving in reverse, simply because it’s not. The room is moving toward you. The giant boulder is simply attached to a stick and, with the aid of strobe lights, appears to almost strike your car. The final scene in the ride, that of Indy and the defeated boulder, is embarassing in its cheapness. As the cars enter the load/unload section, an average eye can see a giant mechanical apparatus sticking out of Indy’s back, with wires aplenty.
The Jungle Cruise is the most well-known attractions in theme park history, so I’ll only cover my favorite part of the excursion: the infamous Schweitzer Falls, of course named after Dr. Albert Falls.
The next area is New Orleans Square, the most meticulously designed pre-Toontown area. This area houses both Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, two more rides that take place off-property. Pirates was recently revamped following the shitty Bruckheimer trilogy, essentially adding a plot to one of the more influential non-linear attractions ever. The new version adds lots of dialogue involving hunting down Jack Sparrow, who barely appears in the attraction. Scenes that were once designed around environment and tone (like the drowning or the wench auction) now have random Sparrow references from very different-sounding pirates, ruining some of the best moments. Also, the attraction features a digital projection of Davy Jones, which doesn’t make sense simply because the ride itself is not supernatural. There are lots of skeletons around, but none of them move. So what the fuck is a giant squid monster doing here? Did he get lost en route to the Submarine Voyage?
The Haunted Mansion has a few cool tricks. First of all, there’s nothing inside the house. When you leave the stretching room (a complicated slowly-descending elevator with a scrim ceiling), you are underground. What’s inside the house? I’d love to find out. Also, the show building for the Mansion is actually next to the show building for Splash Mountain, so much so that the ride operators for both attractions occasionally switch rides on a whim. The outside of the attraction features a horse-drawn hearse without a horse. Some morons on the Internet claim that it was Brigham Young’s hearse, but in actuality it was purchased in 1991 as part of an Indiana Jones stunt show that never passed the development phase. The actual ghosts in the attraction are Animatronics in front of a large pane of glass. Shining light on these figures on-and-off makes them appear and disappear. In fact, any time you see ghosts that de-materialize, look very carefully, because all of these scenes will take place between a very large pane of glass. My favorite little detail? Towards the end of the graveyard scene, you will notice a large woman yodeling in a Viking uniform. What’s the explanation? According to the designing Imagineers, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
Part II on the way...
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